When Life Hands You Lemons Sometimes It's Okay to Cry(since you really don't like lemonade)

Hola!

So this week will be expanding a little bit more on my post from last week. As I had said before Cameron and I found an apartment, and we have been approved and are just waiting to sign lease paperwork and we will have a place that is all ours! :) While this has been very exciting it has also been really stressful. There was a mistake in the lease so we have to wait for that to be fixed before we can sign it, we also have to figure out renter's insurance, as well as signing up the utilities, and then we also have to start thinking about how we want to rework our monthly budget since we will now have additional expenses that we haven't had in the past. There's also getting together things that we need for the apartment, figuring out what we have and what we don't, making sure that we all agree on everything that we have... it's just alot, and while it's all good stuff it's still alot to handle.

I'm also going back to school this week, and am totally overwhelmed with that. I'm taking the final quarter of a year long general chemistry class, and I have a final project at the end of the quarter(the week before my husband comes home and my little brother graduates from high school and the week my oldest cousin graduates from high school) as well as a cumulative year long final that is a standardized test written by the American Chemical Society. My father in law is also selling his house and I have to get all my husband's stuff packed and ready to go into storage, and sell some furniture that he has that we no longer want(a massive sectional couch does not work well in an apartment sadly). Oh I also found out today that I don't have dental insurance and that needs to get taken care of, I need to find a new dentist, and about twelve other things all right at the end of this stupid deployment. There's only a couple months left and it seems that every time I turn around I have more things being thrown at me. The whole issue of Cameron wanting to reenlist is still up in the air too, and that is another huge source of stress emotionally.

The point is that right now life is throwing me a ton of lemons and asking me to juggle them all and then somehow make lemonade out of all of them, and you know what? I really don't like lemonade and I sure as hell don't know how to juggle. So what am I doing right now? I'm crying. Okay, not really, and this is all a metaphor, but there just seem to come times in every deployment where you're by yourself without any help, and all these things are being thrown at you left and right and it sucks. It really, truly does. I would love it if I lived in a world where Cameron was home and could help me with so much stuff. I would have been so happy to hand him a list of chores today and asked if he could get them done at some point. The hardest part is knowing that he would have been more than happy to take care of things for me if it meant helping me and giving me a few more things checked off on my to-do list today. My husband is very sweet and loving like that, and that's what makes it so gosh darn hard sometimes. I know I should have help, and someone to help ease the load as it's continually piled on with the challenges of everyday life, but right now, today, I don't and it's hard. It's hard, and it hurts, and it sucks, and Lord bless my husband for listening to me whine quite a bit for the past couple days and doing as much as he possibly can to help me from halfway across the world. But for now it's the least fun ever, and that's really okay. Right now, today, I don't need to take all these lemons and turn them into lemonade. Right now, today, I can whine and cry a little bit about how overwhelmed I feel and have my moment to process everything that's going on tomorrow. Right now, today, I'm at the point in deployment where I'm crying because I'm surrounded by lemons and I really, really dislike lemonade and I can't seem to make all these damn lemons go away, and that's okay for now. I'll still dislike lemonade tomorrow, but hopefully I can at least get a start on getting all these stupid lemons to go away :)

Apartment Hunting Update Plus Life Update

Hello!

So my life has been really upside down lately so things did not go up yesterday as I had hoped, but instead are going up today! Yay!
The first thing that happened was my mom unexpectedly lost a good friend on Friday last week. We found out Saturday morning that she had passed, and then learned on Sunday that she had committed suicide :/ It was a huge, completely 100% unexpected shock that really threw us all for a loop. Also, my father in law is selling his house where my husband is currently storing all of his stuff so I got to go deal with figuring that out and getting everything all packed and ready to go so we can move it into storage and then eventually move it down to California. That's another thing that got finalized today! Cam and I found an apartment! We are both super super excited about it, and we're both ready to FINALLY have him come home and get started on our life together and start getting things worked out as far as that goes :)
Unfortunately today my life was once again turned on it's ear, and now even my husband coming home is not a very happy occasion. So in talking to my husband today he has expressed a desire to reenlist in the Navy. Now to most people this isn't a big deal, but for me this pretty much destroyed my hopes and dreams for the future. I have been planning to go to Western Washington University for quite some time now. I went and took a tour of the campus and got some questions answered, and I absolutely fell in love with the campus. It's a large enough university that there are some good opportunities for me, but still small enough that it's not as bad as University of Washington in terms of size(which has it's own district in Seattle... Not kidding!) and it's also an R2 university as opposed to an R1 which was something else I really liked. The plan was for me to finish up my community college degree which I'm almost done with, move to California for a year, and then both of us move back to Washington for me to go to Western after that. Now that's all up in the air and I'm really upset about it :/ Um I think that's all I can really handle talking about for now. Right now with all that's gone on in less than a week I'm kind of freaking out and not really having a very fun time at all :/ Hopefully things will get better soon, but until then this is the life that I'm living, and at the moment it really, really sucks.

Apartment Hunting! A Brief Update

Hola! So we should hopefully getting back to a little bit more of a schedule here soon. My world has finally stopped being absolutely crazy, so I should hopefully have a little bit more time to sit down and write some really good posts :) I was in San Diego this weekend with my dad doing some apartment hunting, and unfortunately the place I was staying at had really crappy WIFI so I wasn't able to write while I was there since I could hardly get on the internet. Apparently taking my laptop was just extra weight and one more thing to unload whilst getting through security. Lame! But, the good news is that we're pretty sure that we've found the apartment that we want to rent :) There are a couple more things we need to figure out and ask some questions about, but I think we've found the place we want :)
Next week I'll write more about it, but for now I think I need to hit the hay and head to bed. Talk to you soon! :)

The Joys and Nerves of Homecoming

Your spouse coming home from deployment is supposed to be this wonderful, fantastic, amazing thing. There's this big fanfare and this big to do about how amazing it is that they're finally home after being gone for so long and all this stuff... but what if it isn't that way? Right now I have extremely mixed feelings about my husband coming home. I feel like I should be excited, and instead I'm just incredibly nervous and unsure. It's almost like I feel like I don't know who's coming home which is a very strange feeling.
I've spoken to my husband nearly every single day since he's been gone, so it's no like we're completely out of touch, but still... I feel like I don't really know him anymore. It's a very strange thing, and very difficult to explain.

On the one hand, I am so excited that he's finally coming home. I'm excited for getting our own apartment, for decorating together, for shopping for housewares, for cuddling, for tickle fights, and pizza and movie dates, and going on real dates, and doing everything that we haven't gotten to do for the past six months now. I am so excited that I'll be able to actually call my husband again. I'm excited that I'll be able to have a legitimate conversation in real time and not need Facebook or Skype or something else in order to facilitate the conversation.

On the other hand, I'm absolutely terrified of pretty much everything that's going on with all of this homecoming nonsense.So I found out my little brother graduates the day after my husband comes home so I don't get to be there when he actually gets back into port(we live in separate states as I am still going to school near the area where we're both from while my husband is deployed) :/ I could go, but I also really don't want to miss my little brother's graduation that day so we've decided that I'll be headed down to see him the week after he comes home. I also have to get an apartment ready so he has somewhere to come home to, and it's just alot to deal with all at once. We've ordered furniture, his dad is selling his house which is currently where we're storing all our stuff so I have to move all of that, and I have to buy everything for a dwelling... and I'm doing this all while working and going to school completely on my own :/ It's really strange and awkward and scary and very overwhelming. This weekend my dad and I are headed down to San Diego to do some apartment hunting in the hopes that I can find something and get it set up and ready to go by the time Cameron gets home, and I'm just super overwhelmed with all of this. Dealing with feeling like you're re-meeting someone that you should know while also trying to set up an entire life with them is just really weird, and it's an awkward thing to try to explain and to feel in general. Hopefully with time things will get better, but for now it's just weird and slightly uncomfortable. My husband is taking a class on how to reintegrate into family life... Yep. That's the strangeness that is homecoming from deployment.

End of the Quarter Exhaustion

Hi everyone!

Apologies for no post last week. I've been super, super busy as of late, and I am experiencing the end of quarter burn out that every college student experiences around this time. I've also been working a lot and not really getting any true days off so when I'm not working I have school that day and then it becomes a day where I still have stuff to do and am super busy all day. In addition to all that(why yes, there is more!) I'm getting ready to go out of town with my dad next week to head to San Diego so my lovely husband doesn't have a cardboard box to come home to! Apparently that plan is not nearly good enough for him haha(please read with extreme sarcasm. I would never let him live in a cardboard box :) ) I've also done a furniture order and all kinds of other stuff that I'll hopefully talk about soon, but for now I just really need to focus on the other aspects of my life.
I didn't go to my class today because I was so tired that I was overly emotional(I *might* have cried because my cat wouldn't come sleep on my bed with me last night...) and it just wasn't going to happen, and I honestly felt sick because I was so tired and I still do. I've had an annoying headache all day, and while I've been drinking a ton of water so I know I'm not dehydrated, it's still there and I think it's just sheer exhaustion.

As far as plans to get back on track go I'm hoping that I'll have a blog post up next Tuesday, March 17th :) I will for sure be up and running again by the 24th, but I'm pretty sure I can make the 17th happen :) Just this week and next to go and I'm off to San Diego for a much needed break! :) Talk to you all soon! :)

The Housing Dilemma: A Guide to Communicating With Your Spouse

So. Cameron and I have new territory that we must cross together. We have to get, and furnish, an apartment together. Talk about an, "Oh holy crow I am married!!!" moment. Now for the challenge. Cameron lives in San Diego and I live in Seattle, WA. Whaaaaaa?! Cameron and I married about a month before he deployed out for nearly a year. Guess who didn't move to San Diego to be alone for the next year? Yep, this girl right here(which my sweet hubby totally encouraged might I add). Well now my sweetie is coming home here somewhat soonish, and I have to get an apartment in San Diego... while I'm still going to school and living my life up here in Seattle. Yep. Guess who's now a long distance apartment hunter? This girl right here! And I'm still in school and working 20 hours a week :D I live a charmed life haha.
At the moment I'm living at home with my parents, because let's face it, I'm hardly ever home so it seems really silly to pay for an apartment when I'll hardly ever be in it. Before Cameron went into the Navy he was living with his dad(who lives like ten minutes away from me... crazy!) so neither one of us has much in the way of housewares. I now have to find, and furnish an entire apartment in another state while going to school and working and trying to communicate with my husband while he's somewhere on the other side of the world-ish. God help me I could just cry.
Luckily for me, though, I have an amazing husband who is just the best person I could ever ask for when it comes to being my teammate in this world, and he has been just the greatest blessing throughout this whole process. After over a year and a half of long distance we've gotten communication down pretty well, and this has certainly tested how well we are able to communicate with each other, and we've done a pretty darn good job if I do say so myself. So without further adieu, here is my guide to navigating the transition back home with your active duty military spouse.

First things first, if you don't know how this all works, the military is pretty straight forward in the housing department. They either give you a place to stay or they give you money so you can have a place to stay. That's pretty much the jist of it. Since Cameron and I are married we're given a Basic Housing Allowing(typically referred to as BAH) which is money for us to get a place to stay. Before we got married Cameron was living in the barracks, but since we have BAH and I can't stay in the barracks with him we're now looking at getting a place to stay.
This is where it gets a little tricky. So you can either look into civilian housing or you can look into military housing which can be on or off base depending on where you go. Now the one downside to military housing is that they'll take all of your BAH in most cases. There are a select few communities that don't, but almost all of them(at least in San Diego anyway) do. Civilian housing is just getting a typical apartment wherever you'd like. Personally, Cameron and I have decided to go with this option simply because it's going to be just the two of us, and when we can get an apartment for less than our BAH and have that extra money to spend on other living expenses it makes more sense for us to do that. If you have a family and need more space military housing is a great opportunity to get a good sized living space for a good deal. It really just depends on what you need for your specific situation, but from my experience that seems to be how this whole thing works.

So then comes all the moving stuff. Whee. First things first would be to scout around for sales on furniture. I've made friends with a couple gals in the furniture department at the retailer where I work, and it has served me well as I now know about an awesome deal coming up in the first part of March where I can get pretty much all the large furniture that I need(bed frame, mattress/box spring, dining room table and chairs, and couch) for about $3500 and have 36 month interest free financing to be able to pay that off if I get the store credit card which also gives me $100 in rewards with my purchase that I can then use elsewhere in the store for other housewares :D Can you say score?! :) Hello, cheap Calphalon pan set :D

Second, would be to actually scout out apartments. Talk to your spouse about what you both want in an apartment. What area would you like to live in? How much do you want to spend on rent? Are there any amenities you want? What about square footage? What's the absolute max you're willing to spend on rent? When do you want to move in? I've actually sent my husband links to apartment listings and told him, "here's what I like. Take a look, and tell me what you think. If we both like it I'll go check it out". So far he hasn't really responded, but he's working on it which I appreciate :) Also, take someone with you when you go to look at places. Chances are most spouses are women(although I have a friend who's a military husband so no judgment) and women typically aren't taken very seriously, unfortunately(I know from experience). For example, my daddy's going with me to San Diego over a weekend to scout things out and help me figure out what I like and what I don't and help be my muscle so to speak. You can take a parent, a good friend, whoever you'd like. Remember there's power in numbers, and it also helps to have second person there so you don't feel so lonely and overwhelmed whilst shopping around.

Lastly, coordinate with your spouse when you want to move in. Do you want to wait until they're there or do you want to just do it yourself? Who's name is going on the lease? Will you need a power of attorney to sign for them on said lease? How does the rental office feel about working and being flexible with a military couple? Would they be okay if you had to potentially change the move in date due to new information?

These are just some of the things to think about and to talk to your spouse or significant other about. It's a challenge when you can't talk specifics, but you can make it work. You can talk about x number of days from a point only you know: 10 days after Suzy's birthday or 12 days before our anniversary or 3 days after that time I accidentally flung that hot dog at you or something like that. Think of it as using a reference point only you know and that no one else does. It's a challenge figuring out anything to do with coming home from deployment when you don't have specifics to hang your hat on, but you can do it. Thousands of couples have done this before you and made it work. Hopefully that is at least somewhat comforting in showing that it is in fact possible :)


If anyone has questions on how to navigate homecoming please feel free to leave a comment or fill out the contact sheet or email me! I'd be happy to do what I can to help! :) 

Update: The Honeybear is Coming Home!!! :D

Hola! So this is a super quick post, but I forgot to share something that's super super exciting!!! :D So. This year I got pretty much the best Valentine's day present ever. On Valentine's Day I got an email from Cameron saying that they had released tiger cruise dates!
If you don't know what tiger cruise is it's an opportunity for family members(spouses/significant others are not eligible so I can't go which is totally fine with me because I hate boats haha. Seriously I won't even get on the ferry by myself. I'm really not too bummed about this haha) and friends to go to wherever the final port call is before home, and they can ride on the ship back into the home port. What's so significant about them releasing tiger cruise dates is that means that we know, for sure, exactly what day they'll all be home from deployment!!!! :D I can't even begin to express my excitement and terror over this! I'll go more in depth with another blog post later, but for now I just wanted to share that I do 100% for sure know exactly when my honeybear is coming home!!!! :D Omg, I'm so excited I can't even haha :) So now we get to deal with the stress of that and moving and all that joyous stuff which I realize that I haven't talked about at all sooooo that'll have to come later haha.
So that's all for this quick update! I apologize that it's late, but I've had a super super busy week so I haven't really had a chance when I've been thinking about it to type up a post :) See you guys on Tuesday for our regularly scheduled posting! :)

When Media Attacks! Constantly Seeing Reminders of Deployment

It's true. Sometimes I feel as though the media constantly bombards me with unwanted reminders of the fact that my husband is on the other side of the world, and will be for quite sometime to come.
There's a certain lack of sensitivity that seems to come from those who don't understand what it's like to have a loved one who's deployed, and certainly not from the perspective of someone who's not on the whole patriotic binge like my family is. Even thinking about that little oath that all the sailors have to say instantly brings on the tears, and this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach as it twists and knots on itself. Some days aren't so bad. It doesn't bother me to see things every once in awhile, and I go about my days completely unaffected. Then there are the bad days where a radio commercial for Navy Federal Credit Union is enough to send me into tears. I'm not sure if it's just me, but these always seem to be the days where you just see all these reminders everywhere and it just makes you want to scream. Just me? Yes? No? Either way, it seems that the media has unintentionally somewhat ganged up on me as of late. I don't want to see constant things relating to the military everywhere I look, and yet, that seems to be what is going on as of late.
I think the worst part of it all is that my family isn't very supportive or understanding. My family is in a very opposite camp from where I am on this whole military issue. They're all very much full of national pride and think of this as some great noble mission that my husband has undertaken... and I don't. There's also the issue of my family seeing any kind of sensitivity as weakness, and as I am the most sensitive in the family I am seen as the weakest and just an unnecessary drama queen. It doesn't matter what's going on or what's up with me. I'm expected to just stuff it down and be strong and think the same way that my family does.
So where does that leave me? Well it doesn't really leave me in a very good spot. Thankfully, my husband is very kind and supportive, and understands that I'm sensitive to this and is a very good listener. I know that he doesn't always get it, but he still provides as much understanding as he can and is always patient and kind when it comes to things like this. He might not understand exactly why it's so difficult for me, but he understands that it is and does his best to help make things better for me :) I'm also lucky that I have some great girlfriends who know that I'm a rather sensitive soul and are very kind about that as well.
Hopefully one day it won't be such a big deal to see things so constantly, but until then it seems that I'm just going to be a little more wary of the television and Facebook than usual until my sweetie comes home.

How to Talk to a New Military Wife: A Guide

Hola! So last week I had touched on things I really wish that people wouldn't say to me in regards to the fact that I'm a military wife. This week I decided to go through and look at those things and come up with a better response/statement/question than the one that is on the no-no list. It's easy to say, "No, don't say that!" but sometimes we forget that not everyone knows what to say, and they might need a little help in figuring out what the right thing to say in these situations is. As much as it irks me when I hear some of these things(as a matter of fact, just last night I ran out of the room when a navy commercial came on cuz it upset me) I don't think it's very fair to just expect someone to know what to say. With that being said here are some things that you should say to a new military wife.


1. "Wow, that must be really difficult to handle/That must be something to get used to"

People know that military life is difficult. What isn't difficult about being away from your significant other for months and months at a time? However, that's generally as far as it goes in their brains, and so this overwhelming, brand-spanking-new lifestyle gets boiled down to, "Oh, she's just sad because her husband is gone," when really there's so much more to it. There are classes offered to help service members transition back to civilian life, but there aren't any classes I've ever seen that break down the basics of how the military works to new wives. For some reason it is assumed that we all get together with our children and run the newbies through the ropes. Um. No. Truthfully, I don't even know a single wife/girlfriend in my husband's division let alone on his ship. Not a single one. I've spoken with the ombudsman once, and that was only because I had my car stolen and I needed to know the fastest way to get in contact with my husband since this was a pretty big freaking deal. That's my interactions with other Navy wives. There was a gal that I used to work with who was a former Navy wife that I would talk to, but otherwise I've never talked to another wife.
The truth is that there is a ton, ton, ton of information to learn, and alot that's new and a little unsettling. My first experience with ever even looking at a military base, let alone going on one, was going on to the base in Great Lakes, Illinois for my husband's basic graduation. It was one of the most terrifying things I have ever done. I still, to this day, absolutely will not go on base without my husband. Why was I so scared? Well for starters I was experiencing awful anxiety while he was in(I was hospitalized twice for anxiety attacks, and had moderate ones on such a regular basis that in addition to being on antianxiety medication I was perscribed Ativan to stop me from going into them), and second, they do NOT mess around at those things. You are instructed as to where to go at all times. It's like being in jail. No. Really. It's like being transported through jail, and it looks like a jail. I was separated from the other people I was with who were my only support, and had my person and my purse searched before I was allowed to go into the main hallway. Thank god the man who did the search could tell I was absolutely terrified and ready to break down, and was very nice to me. And after that I was whisked away into a huge high school gymnasium type room where we waited for things to start in a giant crowd which happens to be something that I hate on a regular basis no matter what the situation. So that was fun. I will never, ever, ever go to one ever again.
So there's getting used to going on base, there's potentially moving to a new area you've never been to before, but most of all, this is learning a whole new way of life. Ever heard of BAH? Neither had I until I married my husband. Do you know what the Navy Marine Corps Relief Society is? I do now(and FYI if you're a navy or marine family who needs financial help definitely go talk to them. They helped Cameron and I pay for part of our wedding, and they were amazing. Definitely recommended). I've had to figure out what I need to get my ID which I could only do after my husband filled out the proper paperwork(which took him a week to file!). I've learned how TriCare works, I've had to learn a million acronyms, and a thousand other things. This really is a new way of life, and there's alot to learn. So add being somewhere new or not having your sweetie to help you, and things just got a whole lot harder :/ Next time you meet a new wife ask her how she's doing, and let her vent about all her frustrations and difficulties with getting things figured out and filled out, because it does take awhile. In other words, just show some compassion.

2. " How is *insert spouse's name* doing?"

This is a great alternative to starting out with asking when someone's spouse is coming home. I get asked all the time how my husband is doing, and while it is sometimes annoying(no, mom, I don't know anything new from yesterday) it is a much better thing to think about and focus your time on as opposed to looking at when so-and-so is coming home. It puts things on a much more positive note, and it also allows for focusing on the facts instead of the unknowns. I might not know when my husband is coming home, but I do know that he's doing well and that he's very much looking forward to coming home. I know that he's working on being healthier and trying to work out on a consistent basis. I know that he's looking forward to his upcoming port call so that we can get on Skype and video chat with each other. Those are things that are much more happy to focus on than the never-ending list of unknowns.

3. "What kind of plans do you have for when *insert spouse's name" comes home?/Is there anything special *insert spouse's name* wants to do when they come home?"

This is another good one to ask when you want to ask about the future without asking too many particulars or unknowns. Chances are there's a plan for what's going to happen when that significant other comes home. We already know that Cameron wants to come home for about a week or so, and then we'll be driving down to San Diego together so we can move into an apartment down there. Cameron also really wants me to stay down there for a couple weeks so that we can get settled, and so that we can do something special for our first wedding anniversary since that will be the first anniversary we have ever gotten to spend together in the the three years that we have been together :D Hopefully that happens, although now that I think about it he'll probably be on duty and be gone all day so that plan will pretty much fail, but at least this time he won't be in boot camp(1st anniversary) and he won't be out of the country (2nd and 3rd anniversaries). It's a start I suppose :)

So there you have it: a list of things that you should certainly use when talking to a military wife with a husband on deployment, or a military wife who's new to the whole thing. It's a very difficult thing to get into as it's completely different than civilian life, and it is almost a little more difficult to navigate. I can ask my parents about things I've never done in civilian life, but if there's something I don't know about military life I'd better hope that Cameron knows or knows who to ask, because otherwise we are just totally out of luck. It's very intimidating, and it only seems to get more complicated as you go on. Not to mention there's the whole challenge of navigating deployments and training missions and all kinds of new things that you've probably never dealt with before, and a lack of support when you first start off doing all of it.
Hopefully some of you find this helpful, and it either gives you something to say to someone you know or something you can say to someone who hasn't been as sensitive as you would like.

What Not to Say to a New Military Wife

All right, listen. We've all heard it. Some insensitive or uneducated remark made by either someone we know or someone we barely know that just makes us want to slap them upside the head with a fish and say, "Really?!" Okay, maybe that whole "fish" part was just me and my love for cartoons, but in all seriousness we've all had those moments where people are either annoying or hurtful whether they mean to or not, and it really sucks. So, without further adieu, here is a guide of what not to say to a new military wife when you're feeling stuck for words to say.

1. "Well you chose to be a military wife/This is military life for you/something-else-along-these-lines"

Listen. I did choose to marry my husband. However, I didn't choose his career. I had not one iota of say in that decision. My now-husband joined after we'd been dating for two months and made that entire decision without me. Being the lovely procrastinator he is it was about a month after her joined that he mentioned that he wanted me to come with him(this is the same man who waited to say he wanted to marry me until about 11pm the night before he shipped out to basic training... over text message. Yep. Biggest procrastinator ever.), and that was how I got sucked into this crazy ride. But back to the point. While I did choose to be with him I wasn't stuck with a great choice here. My choice was either stay with the man I love through a really awful situation, or lose the man I love. Hmmm such tempting options how will I ever choose? Yeah, right! I understand that I chose to be with my husband, and that to some people he practically walks on water because of his job(and yes,there is a pun in there somewhere!), but let me tell you something. When I'm up late at night crying because I miss my sweetie more than most people will ever begin to understand (because until you try long distance there's no way you can possibly understand how hard it is), the last thing I'm thinking is, "Well, at least he's gone for a noble cause." Maybe other people think that and it comforts them, and that's great for them, but that's not the case for everyone. This is just a hurtful, unhelpful comment that needs to not be said. I'm entitled to feeling whatever I want to feel, and if I miss my husband than I miss him and that's that. Saying this just makes it sound like I've lost my right to be sad because I chose to be in this situation, and I have a great deal of reason to be sad. My best friend is gone. Who wouldn't be sad about that?

2. "So when is *insert name here" coming home?/So where is *insert name here* right now?"

I totally understand wanting to make small talk, but too often this is the way people try to open a conversation with me, and sometimes it's not cool. Why? Well, to start, I have absolutely no idea as to the answers to these questions, and even if they did I can't tell anyone. That whole "loose lips sink ships" is still very alive and well, and they mean it. Not only do I not get to know anything for security reasons, I couldn't tell you even if I did know. So where is my husband? Beyond a really vague idea of a very broad area of the world? Not a clue. When is he coming home? I've been told it's sometime this summer. I suppose I'll find out what month later. Not to mention being reminded that you don't know where your spouse is or when they're coming home is really hard. It hurts, and it makes me very sad, and it's scary to think about. Thank God for email, because at least then I know he's safe and he's okay. Otherwise I don't know a blessed thing about where my sweetie is, and that's a terrifying thought.
These questions will come up at some point, and while it's okay to ask them just make sure that the person you are asking is okay with them being asked. We all have days where we're okay and days where we're not and sometimes being asked those questions on a bad day is really, really awful especially if this is your first deployment like it is for me. It's a difficult thing to learn to be okay with, and if you throw in extra mental health challenges it can be a real battle. So be kind. Ask if it's okay to ask questions about so-and-so, and respect them if they say no or that today is a bad day. They're not trying to be unkind, just trying to stay strong.

3. "You know your marriage is going to fail, right?"

Yep. I had some random customer who I had never met before, and have not seen since, say this to me when I mentioned I was getting married as part of our small talk. Her response was slightly more tactful than this, but not by much. I've had a couple other people allude to it as well. I understand that military relationships generally don't go well, but have some support for those of us who are trying. That's just rude and unhelpful. Period. Don't do it.

4. "So when are you going to have kids/Are you pregnant?"

This is not military wife exclusive, and is certainly the bane of all newlywed's existence, but sometimes I think it makes you want to bang your head against a wall that much harder when military circumstances are involved. For example, when I came back from my honeymoon my husband was just getting ready to deploy out for about a year, and one of the first questions I got when I got back was whether or not I was pregnant yet. Now I get that many people get pregnant on the honeymoon, but still my husband was getting ready to leave for the next year or so, so no, I really did not want to get pregnant and then be all alone for the entire thing. Entire newborn stage alone? Um, yeah, no thanks! This isn't one where you shouldn't ever ask, but use some common sense. Pregnant and alone just isn't an appealing option at all for anyone.

So that concludes my list of things not to say to a military wife. This isn't the be all end all list, and they certainly aren't things you shouldn't ever say, but they are things that sometimes are said a little too freely despite people having the best intentions. Not all of us are very comfortable with being a military wife, and that first deployment is really, really hard on a couple. One you do it a couple times it does get easier, but it takes time, and not all of us adjust quickly. It's taken me a year and a half to be even slightly comfortable with the fact that my husband is in the military, and to be able and willing to talk about it with other people. For me just talking about it is a big deal. Typing it on this blog is a really big deal.
So next time you talk with a military wife who's still new to the whole thing or is going through her first deployment just stop and think for a second, and maybe try to find some compassion for this very difficult situation that this woman is going through. Approach cautiously and use a whole lot of TLC because I can guarantee you it will go a long way :)

Military Life, Mental Heath, and Me!

I will be the first to say that I am not a mentally healthy person. I have endured some very traumatic experiences throughout the course of my life, and they have certainly made being a military wife an even more difficult experience than what it is for the average person. I was first diagnosed with clinical depression and post traumatic stress disorder at the age of 8 years old by a social worker that I can't even remember meeting. In fact, I don't remember much at all from my childhood until I'm about 13 or 14, and most of what I do remember is school related. Almost none pertains to my home life, and most of what I do know I've had to piece together throughout the years by what little information I can get from my family and the tiniest scraps of memory that I have. Most of what I remember I wish I didn't.
These days I live with the diagnoses of clinical depression, PTSD, and generalized anxiety disorder which is another thing I have most likely had since I was a child. I also strongly suspect that I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder as well, but have not been diagnosed officially by a mental health professional. Unfortunately the woman that I went to see dismissed my concerns stating that were I to have said disorder that she would be able to tell the moment I walked through the door. Did you know diagnostic medicine worked that way? Why didn't anyone tell me?! In regards to BPD I do display many of the symptoms. I am a championship compartmentalizer and am often very dissociated from my feelings. I've had self harm and suicidal ideations since I was about 10, and my ability to control my emotions is pretty much nil even now at 21 years of age. All three of the other disorders that I have are also very commonly found in conjunction with BPD, and I have alot of the behavior characteristics such as black-and-white thinking and an intense fear of abandonment.
So how does this play into military life?
Well, to start my husband leaving for basic training was a deeply traumatic experience for me. I ended up in the hospital three times for anxiety attacks. I couldn't watch any commercials because I would start to cry uncontrollably. I had at least 3 anxiety attacks a week. I barely ate and hardly slept. I'm pretty sure my husband got more sleep in basic than I did while he was in basic. For the first two weeks he was gone I couldn't go anywhere without the buildabear's we had made for each other before we left. For me it wasn't like he had just gone and was coming back later; it was like he had died and was never coming home. I was convinced that the man who would be at the graduation would be nothing but a shell of the man I once loved replaced with someone new who the Navy had brainwashed to be what they wanted. Consequently I was heartbroken. Even now just thinking about it makes me want to cry.
This may sound extreme, and in truth it is, but for me losing someone I loved so much was the worst thing that could have happened. I had finally found someone who I really, truly believed loved and cared about me and actually accepted me for who I was... and still loved me. For someone who had spent their whole life feeling rejected and unwanted that was, and is, a monumental thing. And that was taken away from me, or so I thought, and that was devastating. Crushing. Heartbreaking. It was by far the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. It physically hurt me, and took a huge toll on my health. It took 6 months of intense work, endless patience from my husband who deserves more credit than he will ever get, and more love than I ever thought I would receive from another human being in my life.
So how did we conquer this? Ironically, through baby steps. Yep. Nothing exciting. Just baby steps. With all the stuff I went through in basic I have developed a PTSD response to just about anything Navy related. I still, nearly two years later, cannot listen to the opening lines of the oath that they all say without crying. Even thinking about it now I'm tearing up. I don't watch the news, and every time Curt(one of my managers at work) turns on the news if I'm in the breakroom he has to promise me that he'll change the channel if anything about ISIS comes on. I can't handle it. It brings all those feelings back and throws me into emotional despair. PTSD never really leaves you. Thankfully, it can be managed and made better, and one of the best things Cameron and I ever did was realize that I needed to experience everything in baby steps. So to start things were small. He would tell me something silly that happened while he was in class training or that he was experiencing "death by powerpoint" as we call it. I would hear about some cool event they were doing. Just little day to day things. As we moved on and he realized that I could handle more he would tell me something slightly bigger. And once I was okay with that I would hear something slightly bigger than that. I was certainly not perfect, and I'm certainly not now, but it helped to keep things in what was maybe slightly uncomfortable, but not unbearable so I could learn to cope.
Today, a year and a half later, things are better, but there are still things that upset me. I still can't hear the oath. I still left the house and cried at the park up the road when my husband moved his uniforms into the rental house when I stayed down there for a month after our wedding. I still absolutely refuse to go on any military base without Cameron there to hold my hand(I also won't drive on, seeing as how I freak out about having my ID ready at least two miles before the checkpoint), and I'm still way too afraid to go on the carrier for a tour, but I've never liked boats so that's just like combining two fears into one there :P But I'm better than where I was, and that for now is a good start to make. I will never be 100% comfortable in the military world. I just know that about myself. I don't fit in, and it has left me with many mental scars, and I'm okay with that. Why? Because I look at where I am now, and I realize that I would have never learned so much about how to cope with things I find to be unpleasant and painful without this experience. I was able to have a calm, rational conversation with my husband about how it bothered me that his job is essentially helping people to kill other people(yes, they may be bad people, but I'm very sensitive and I just can't justify it in any capacity :/ you're talking to the woman who cried watching people hack up live lobsters on Iron Chef America, okay? I have a really big heart). For me that is monumental. Seriously. To be able to calmly explain my feelings and what triggered me is an immensely big deal for me, and I know that Cameron was incredibly proud of me for how well I handled that. A year ago I would have been screaming, crying, and freaking the freak out. And I didn't do that. Instead, I handled it in the right way, and I'm so proud of myself for doing so.
Being a navy wife is certainly not my calling in life, and it's certainly not something I want to do a minute longer than I have to, but I am grateful for the experience and for learning more and more about myself as time goes on. It may not be easy, but it has brought growth to my relationship with my sweetie, and my own personal growth as well. If I can do it... well, not everyone can. But there are certainly more people out there who could if they wanted to. If the mentally ill girl can take it on then you can too!
I have a wonderful quote that I had tattooed on my shoulder, and it's one we could all stand to remember every once in awhile: "And this, too, shall pass". Whatever we are going though, good or bad, will always pass in time. So whether you're a navy wife wishing for escape from military life, or someone who's just struggling with their chemistry homework(... nope, that would never, ever be me!)  things will always end, and there is always a light at the end of the tunnel as long as we are willing to continue to make a single step forward at a time. And that's just what I intend to do.

In Which I Discuss Children...

So I've been married for about 6 months now, and one of the topics that annoys me most is the topic of children. Now don't get me wrong I ADORE children, and I am so excited for the day where I get to be a parent with my sweetie, but why, oh why, must everyone assume that I'm pregnant every two seconds?!
My fine jewelry manager(who is pretty much my favorite manager in the whole store) was joking about how I was going to come back to work after my honeymoon pregnant(I may or may not have threatened to kick him in the teeth for that), and even before that any time I felt under the weather in any way I always had at least one coworker either ask, or sometimes just flat out make the statement, if I was pregnant. This happened on a pretty consistent basis especially if people knew that I had recently gone to see my husband who was my boyfriend/fiance at the time.
So where are we now? Well since my husband's been gone for six months(although we did hit the halfway point for the deployment on January 12th :D) people have stopped asking if I'm with child. Now my new question is, "So when are you going to have kids?" And my response of waiting until my husband is out of the service to start talking about that is either met with people totally understanding... or looking at me like I'm crazy.
First, I just want to say that to those who have chosen to have children whilst being married to, or dating, an active duty service member GOOD ON YOU! You have managed to do what I could not, and I applaud you. The truth is that I have absolutely no desire to bring a child into this world right now especially with my husband being deployed. The idea of being pregnant and alone just really doesn't appeal to me at all. But even if Cameron was home right now I still really wouldn't want to think about having children, and the reason is fairly simple: I can't raise a child alone. Now you're probably thinking about all the single moms you know, and all the other women that have done this and been okay, and you're right it's not impossible. However, just because it's not impossible doesn't mean that all of us can do it. Allow me to explain some of my rational.

1. I am absolutely horrific without sleep.
     Seriously. I am the biggest baby after about two days of not getting enough sleep. I get super duper emotional, and any and all ability that I have to cope with anything goes right out the window. It's pretty common for me to either cry or have a complete breakdown from being so tired for the silliest of reasons. I need another human being around to help me so I don't go insane.
2. I would be really angry at my husband for not being there.
    Now this sounds horrible, but let me explain. I grew up in a family where my brother and I always had at least one of our parents around at pretty much all times to take care of us. My dad is a baker and has always worked early in the day so he would be home by about 2pm every day, and that was even earlier when I was really little. My mom worked part time, but she would work while my brother and I were at school. I would be more angry at my husband for not being there to be a father to our child than I would be at him for leaving me alone with said child.
3. It's really hard to watch my husband be a father if he's not home.
    This sounds silly, but in all honesty I want to watch my sweetie be a dad. We have little stuffed animal kiddos(we made BuildaBear's for each other before he went to basic, and them being our kiddos since we made them together became a joke that has just kind of stuck) and I love all the cute little things that we do with them. I get emails from Cameron's little puppy Douglas talking about how he misses Mommy, and he sends emails to Lexi, who's my little bunny, telling her that he misses her and loves her and can't wait to be at home with her. It's so freaking adorable that I just don't even know what to do with it sometimes. I want to see him interact with our actual kids in real life not just in email form, and he kind of can't do that without being here.
4. My love language is not compatible with a long distance relationship.
    If you haven't heard of the Five Love Languages which is a book by Gary Chapman please go read it now. It is amazing and will affect so so many aspects of your life. The whole idea is that there are five way in which people communicate love, and things that others do that make people feel loved in turn. They are as follows: physical touch(not like sex, but hugs and kisses and holding hands and cuddling. That sort of thing), quality time, words of affirmation(hearing I love you, appreciation for the things they do, etc...), gifts, and acts of service. Cameron's main love language that he likes me to speak to make him feel loved is words of affirmation. He likes to hear that I love him, that I miss him, that I think he's a great husband, and things like that, and I am more than happy to say those things to him. I know it makes him feel loved and appreciated, and I really do love him and think he's a wonderful husband. Despite being married and sharing all our money I still thank him when he buys me a gift or takes me out to dinner, because I appreciate him doing those things for me. Words of affirmation is a pretty easy one to accomplish long distance. It might not be the same as hearing me say it to his face, but I know getting a sweet email or a rare phone call is a pretty good substitute for my sweetie and that's great. I'm glad I have ways that I can still speak my husband's love language even when he's not right there. Mine on the other hand is pretty damn near impossible. My love language is quality time. I love having my sweetie around, I really, really do. I love when he goes and runs errands with me or goes shopping with me(I really did score a great guy cause Cameron actually enjoys going clothes shopping with me. Plus he's like crazy patient. I'm a very lucky girl :D) or just spends time with me. He holds my hand, makes silly jokes, carries my purse if my shoulder starts to hurt(dead serious here. Most of the time he'll take it from me if  just say my shoulder hurts. He shows me he loves me via acts of service :) too cute <3), and in general is just pretty happy to have me around even if we're not doing anything of great interest, and I'm more than happy to have him around, because when he spends time with me I feel loved and content.
Unfortunately, this is pretty much impossible to do long distance especially when he's deployed. Normally, when he's actually in the country, he'll call me every day even if it's just for a couple minutes to tell me he loves me and that he's thinking about me. If he could do that right now I'd be doing alot better, but he can't.
So what does this have to do with children? Well, right now we're at the halfway point of the deployment, and I'm really depressed. Like clinically depressed which isn't surprising since I was first diagnosed with clinical depression at the tender age of eight(I also suffer from PTSD and generalized anxiety disorder, but that's a discussion for another time). But right now not only is my main supporter and cheerleader gone, but he can't speak my love language and that hurts. Try as he might with kind words, daily emails, and phone calls as often as he can that just doesn't work for me. It helps, but that's not what makes me feel loved the most. I don't want to bring a child into the world knowing that if Daddy has to be gone for a couple months that I struggle to function after a certain point. I have a very definite limit when it comes to this, and the last thing I need to teach a child in this situation is unhelpful ways to cope with what is a difficult situation for anyone. The truth is that this is just not something that I will ever really do well with, and I don't need to have a child watch me struggle though this in the process.

Those are just some of the reasons why children are not on my priority list right now. Besides that I have a degree to finish, and now just doesn't seem to be the right time for us. So. If you happen to see me out in the real world, and I say I'm not feeling well please realize I'm just not feeling well, and not, in fact, expecting a little bundle of joy. I have lots of joy, but it's not coming in little bundles quite yet. For right now I'm quite happy to have my greatest joyful moment be the moment my husband comes home <3

Holiday Season 2014: A Recap

So my holiday season was a very difficult one this year. Not only did I deal with my husband being gone, but I also dealt with many other challenges. First, I work retail, and there's always something kooky that happens during the day, and second there's Black Friday. Oh black friday... something I dread every year. In my world it's turned into Black Thursday since many stores have started opening on Thursday night, i.e. Thanksgiving, for crazed shoppers desperate for a good deal. Just so you know, for those of you that do black friday shopping, please don't shop on thanksgiving. If you're out shopping than someone is away from their family at work so they can help you, and no we don't get a choice, and no not all of us have the option to work somewhere else. If no one worked retail there wouldn't be anywhere for you to shop. So please don't do it. Also, please don't apologize to the workers who are working on Thanksgiving whilst you're shopping on Thanksgiving. It creates really awkward moments. And yes, someone really did apologize to me for having to work on Thanksgiving after she bought $200 worth of stuff on Thanksgiving... awkward!
Anyhoozle, my husband being gone this year was incredibly difficult on me. I was so sad, and really, I never actually got into the holidays at all. I wasn't at all excited for Christmas or Thanksgiving, and to me most of it was just like any other day. I think had I had my hubbybear around(my nickname for him is honeybear just FYI) things would have been alot better, and I would have been alot more in the spirit. As if that wasn't enough a week before my chemistry final, and a week before my husband's Christmas package had to be in the mail as well, my car was stolen. Yep. I had my car stolen at the very beginning of December right as I'm trying to get everything together so my honeybear has something from me for Christmas, and getting all prepared for a huge cumulative final. It was awful. I was so upset. The worst part was it was stolen from in front of my complex(I live at the back of a condo complex) in the morning when tons of people should have been driving by. Awesome. It was found and I got it back, but that was a really stressful time, and I'm still somewhat afraid to drive my car for fear that it will be taken again :/
As if that wasn't enough we also though my husband's Christmas package got lost in the mail. Apparently the military post office couldn't be bothered to update the tracking information so it looked as though it had been lost. Thankfully we found out the military just never updated the information for tracking(thanks guys! :/), and it made it to him in time for Christmas, but that was extremely upsetting especially considering at that point I hadn't gotten my car back yet(there was drama with getting the wheel that got bent fixed thanks to my insurance company screwing up...), and I'd worked so hard to get that package together in spite of everything that had happened.
To top it all off upon going to my father in law's house, who has been kind enough to store stuff for my husband including his car, to pick up my husband's car since mine was MIA I found out he'd put his house on the market without telling myself or my husband. Clearly there wasn't enough stress on my life yet. So far the house hasn't sold, and we'll see what happens with that.
That pretty much was my holiday season. I for one am very glad that it's over. It was utter chaos and filled with a ton of ups and downs and really was just not a good holiday season at all. The hardest part was dealing with all of this without my husband being around. My family isn't always the best support system, and in situations where things are really hard I always find myself wishing that I had my honeybear to help get me through :/
Thankfully a new year has started and in about 6 months my boy will be home :) I can't even wait :D

A New Start for 2015!

Hello!
Well, it's been forever since I've written anything, but the truth is that the holiday season was insanity! I switched to a more specialty department at my job in October, and training for that was absolutely nuts. In all seriousness I spent two weeks just going through videos that dealt with product knowledge(I'm currently working as a makeup/skincare product consultant for a department store in case you were curious), and then rolled right into the holiday season. Between that an a six credit Chem class complete with lab I was extremely busy so writing kind of fell on the back burner.
This year though I really want to focus more on sharing my experiences in being an extremely reluctant, and nonconforming navy wife, because I'm sure there have to be more women out there like me. And even if you find yourself being on a bit more typical side of things(which is totally okay! I've never been very typical so this really all has to do more with me than anything else) I'm sure that you can relate to some of the things that I'm feeling and going through with this whole experience. So. Starting on Tuesday I will be updating this blog weekly. Yep. Every Tuesday there will be new post for you! :D I'm not so busy at work right now, and I have every Tuesday off from work so I will be working on making sure that something goes up every Tuesday.
When will this start you ask? This coming Tuesday! That's right starting on Tuesday, January 13th, 2015 there will be a new blog post every Tuesday :)
So, if you guys really want to know what's up in the crazy life of this Navy wife please check back here every Tuesday for an update :) I'll be posting about a range of topics from my dealings with the Navy itself, coping with my husband being deployed, how we deal with some of the challenges of being separated from each other on a regular basis(in case you didn't know my husband is stationed in San Diego, CA while I live in near Seattle, WA. The reason I'm not in CA is somewhat complicated to explain briefly, but school, deployment, and relocating all didn't work together. We'll just leave it at that.), and also dealing with some of the emotional issues that I have in the capacity of being married to an active duty sailor.
The first post will talk about my "adventures"this holiday season, and coping with all of that whilst also being the only one to cope with that.
Thank you very much for reading and I'll see you all again on Tuesday! :)