Hola! So last week I had touched on things I really wish that people wouldn't say to me in regards to the fact that I'm a military wife. This week I decided to go through and look at those things and come up with a better response/statement/question than the one that is on the no-no list. It's easy to say, "No, don't say that!" but sometimes we forget that not everyone knows what to say, and they might need a little help in figuring out what the right thing to say in these situations is. As much as it irks me when I hear some of these things(as a matter of fact, just last night I ran out of the room when a navy commercial came on cuz it upset me) I don't think it's very fair to just expect someone to know what to say. With that being said here are some things that you should say to a new military wife.
1. "Wow, that must be really difficult to handle/That must be something to get used to"
People know that military life is difficult. What isn't difficult about being away from your significant other for months and months at a time? However, that's generally as far as it goes in their brains, and so this overwhelming, brand-spanking-new lifestyle gets boiled down to, "Oh, she's just sad because her husband is gone," when really there's so much more to it. There are classes offered to help service members transition back to civilian life, but there aren't any classes I've ever seen that break down the basics of how the military works to new wives. For some reason it is assumed that we all get together with our children and run the newbies through the ropes. Um. No. Truthfully, I don't even know a single wife/girlfriend in my husband's division let alone on his ship. Not a single one. I've spoken with the ombudsman once, and that was only because I had my car stolen and I needed to know the fastest way to get in contact with my husband since this was a pretty big freaking deal. That's my interactions with other Navy wives. There was a gal that I used to work with who was a former Navy wife that I would talk to, but otherwise I've never talked to another wife.
The truth is that there is a ton, ton, ton of information to learn, and alot that's new and a little unsettling. My first experience with ever even looking at a military base, let alone going on one, was going on to the base in Great Lakes, Illinois for my husband's basic graduation. It was one of the most terrifying things I have ever done. I still, to this day, absolutely will not go on base without my husband. Why was I so scared? Well for starters I was experiencing awful anxiety while he was in(I was hospitalized twice for anxiety attacks, and had moderate ones on such a regular basis that in addition to being on antianxiety medication I was perscribed Ativan to stop me from going into them), and second, they do NOT mess around at those things. You are instructed as to where to go at all times. It's like being in jail. No. Really. It's like being transported through jail, and it looks like a jail. I was separated from the other people I was with who were my only support, and had my person and my purse searched before I was allowed to go into the main hallway. Thank god the man who did the search could tell I was absolutely terrified and ready to break down, and was very nice to me. And after that I was whisked away into a huge high school gymnasium type room where we waited for things to start in a giant crowd which happens to be something that I hate on a regular basis no matter what the situation. So that was fun. I will never, ever, ever go to one ever again.
So there's getting used to going on base, there's potentially moving to a new area you've never been to before, but most of all, this is learning a whole new way of life. Ever heard of BAH? Neither had I until I married my husband. Do you know what the Navy Marine Corps Relief Society is? I do now(and FYI if you're a navy or marine family who needs financial help definitely go talk to them. They helped Cameron and I pay for part of our wedding, and they were amazing. Definitely recommended). I've had to figure out what I need to get my ID which I could only do after my husband filled out the proper paperwork(which took him a week to file!). I've learned how TriCare works, I've had to learn a million acronyms, and a thousand other things. This really is a new way of life, and there's alot to learn. So add being somewhere new or not having your sweetie to help you, and things just got a whole lot harder :/ Next time you meet a new wife ask her how she's doing, and let her vent about all her frustrations and difficulties with getting things figured out and filled out, because it does take awhile. In other words, just show some compassion.
2. " How is *insert spouse's name* doing?"
This is a great alternative to starting out with asking when someone's spouse is coming home. I get asked all the time how my husband is doing, and while it is sometimes annoying(no, mom, I don't know anything new from yesterday) it is a much better thing to think about and focus your time on as opposed to looking at when so-and-so is coming home. It puts things on a much more positive note, and it also allows for focusing on the facts instead of the unknowns. I might not know when my husband is coming home, but I do know that he's doing well and that he's very much looking forward to coming home. I know that he's working on being healthier and trying to work out on a consistent basis. I know that he's looking forward to his upcoming port call so that we can get on Skype and video chat with each other. Those are things that are much more happy to focus on than the never-ending list of unknowns.
3. "What kind of plans do you have for when *insert spouse's name" comes home?/Is there anything special *insert spouse's name* wants to do when they come home?"
This is another good one to ask when you want to ask about the future without asking too many particulars or unknowns. Chances are there's a plan for what's going to happen when that significant other comes home. We already know that Cameron wants to come home for about a week or so, and then we'll be driving down to San Diego together so we can move into an apartment down there. Cameron also really wants me to stay down there for a couple weeks so that we can get settled, and so that we can do something special for our first wedding anniversary since that will be the first anniversary we have ever gotten to spend together in the the three years that we have been together :D Hopefully that happens, although now that I think about it he'll probably be on duty and be gone all day so that plan will pretty much fail, but at least this time he won't be in boot camp(1st anniversary) and he won't be out of the country (2nd and 3rd anniversaries). It's a start I suppose :)
So there you have it: a list of things that you should certainly use when talking to a military wife with a husband on deployment, or a military wife who's new to the whole thing. It's a very difficult thing to get into as it's completely different than civilian life, and it is almost a little more difficult to navigate. I can ask my parents about things I've never done in civilian life, but if there's something I don't know about military life I'd better hope that Cameron knows or knows who to ask, because otherwise we are just totally out of luck. It's very intimidating, and it only seems to get more complicated as you go on. Not to mention there's the whole challenge of navigating deployments and training missions and all kinds of new things that you've probably never dealt with before, and a lack of support when you first start off doing all of it.
Hopefully some of you find this helpful, and it either gives you something to say to someone you know or something you can say to someone who hasn't been as sensitive as you would like.
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