Wedding Planning + Feeling Awkward About My Fiance Being Gone :/

Hello! So I have another update for you all. Things have been going good with wedding planning. We have an idea for what we want for the wedding cake to look like and also what flavors we want to have so that's exciting. I'm also planning a trip down to Oregon this weekend to go work on some of the wedding planning stuff with my Aunt(who is kind enough of to let us use her house to host our wedding), and get some of that stuff rolling. I'm also going bridesmaids dress shopping with my cousins at that time as well. So that should be a ton of fun. I'm very excited to be able to get all of that stuff taken care of.
Another thing that's happened is that Cameron left on underway for five weeks on Friday which is basically packing him up on the boat for five weeks for training for his upcoming deployment. However, he has been much more upset about it than I have. I really don't care, and know that that sounds terrible, but it's true. And it's not so much that I don't care, but it's more that he's always gone in my world so having him go somewhere else doesn't really change much for me. The only difference is really that I can't talk to him now, but at the same time I generally only can talk to him when we're both off of work, and that's not very often. So really, in the grand scheme of things, not much in my world has changed.
Cameron, on the other hand, was very upset about this. He was much more upset about this than I was, and than I expected him to be about all of this. Normally it really doesn't bother him when either one of us has to leave so to see him very upset about this was far from what I thought would happen. He's normally very stoic and not very attached to things. I know that he loves me and cares about me, but strong emotion isn't the way that he generally goes about showing it. And I feel terrible and very awkward because I'm really not upset about it. I mean don't get me wrong, it totally sucks, but it's not much of a change from what my normal has become. And I think that really, really bothered Cameron. He expected me to be more sad, and really upset and bothered that he was going to be gone. And to see me rather unaffected because I'm so used to him being gone and not being there really upset him alot. For me having to see that was terrible. I don't want to hurt him, but at the same time I can't change how I feel, and although I feel sad it is far from the overwhelming sadness that I used to feel over him being gone. I can't say it doesn't bother me, but on a day to day basis it doesn't really affect my life that much overall. I'm sad that he's not here, but it is what it is, and it doesn't really have much impact anymore. He's gone. He's always gone. And that's how it is. I know that I can be okay on my own, and that I don't need him. So on a regular basis I don't feel like I need him to be here with me, because I'm fine on my own.
And that fact freaked him out. He's always been okay without me being there. I just don't think that he ever realized that there was going to come a time where I would feel that way as well. That there would be a time where I wasn't always going to feel that desire to have him around and express that desire on a regular basis, and that fact really upset him.
So now we deal with that. I'm not sure what to do with it, but I know that no matter what Cameron and I will definitely figure things out. We always do. :)

Struggling With Acceptance

So the other night Cameron and I were having conversations about our upcoming lifestyle. Telling me all the information that I need to know for deployment, and all that jazz. Truthfully, I didn't retain any of that information. That's awful I know, but I realized after that conversation that I really do not in any way shape or form want to be a Navy wife. I really don't. Cameron was trying to tell me about how I'm essentially part of a big "Navy Family", and I cringed at the thought. Physically. Cringing. At the thought of being in camaraderie with these people over that. I realize now that I really am not comfortable with being a Navy wife and relating to people in that way at all. I don't want to be defined like that. Period. I don't want that as a part of who I am. And man, oh man, is that creating problems for me and for my relationship as well. Cameron wants me to be more involved in this than I am, and I'm trying, but I am just not in a place to be as involved as he wants me to be. And this has nothing to do with the people. There will always be a mix of people that you like and don't like anywhere you go. This has to do with me accepting that this is what my life is. And I really don't want to accept it.

Now please, bear with me, because where I started from was not even being able to talk about this to anyone without simply bursting into tears or getting really angry. So the fact that I can comfortably talk(to a point) about these things is a huge accomplishment for me. The fact that I'm not really angry at Cameron anymore for doing this is a huge thing. I'm still angry that he's gone all the time, but who wouldn't be a little hurt by their spouse or significant other never physically being there? It hurts alot, and it takes alot of strength in both yourself and your relationship to overcome that kind of hurt. Especially considering that I have intense abandonment issues this is leaps and bounds from where I started. But still. I don't want that to be the only way that I relate to these people to start with. I don't want that to always be the topic of conversation between these people and I. Relationships are great, but I can't stand the thought of that being the main basis for my relationship with someone. I don't want all my conversations to be about my sucky situation with my soon-to-be husband being gone all the time cuz he's in the Navy. No normal people don't get it, but they have something that they can do that the others really can't do for me, and that's help me return to normal. To take my mind off things, and not be "Jessica the Navy wife", but instead be "My friend Jessica" or "My coworker Jessica" or something else like that so I'm not pigeonholed quite so much.

My biggest fear is that being the only way that I am defined, because I don't want that to be the only thing that defines me. I want to be known for being a devoted wife, mother, student, friend, coworker, and so much more. I will never be just a Navy wife. I absolutely refuse.