Struggling With Acceptance

So the other night Cameron and I were having conversations about our upcoming lifestyle. Telling me all the information that I need to know for deployment, and all that jazz. Truthfully, I didn't retain any of that information. That's awful I know, but I realized after that conversation that I really do not in any way shape or form want to be a Navy wife. I really don't. Cameron was trying to tell me about how I'm essentially part of a big "Navy Family", and I cringed at the thought. Physically. Cringing. At the thought of being in camaraderie with these people over that. I realize now that I really am not comfortable with being a Navy wife and relating to people in that way at all. I don't want to be defined like that. Period. I don't want that as a part of who I am. And man, oh man, is that creating problems for me and for my relationship as well. Cameron wants me to be more involved in this than I am, and I'm trying, but I am just not in a place to be as involved as he wants me to be. And this has nothing to do with the people. There will always be a mix of people that you like and don't like anywhere you go. This has to do with me accepting that this is what my life is. And I really don't want to accept it.

Now please, bear with me, because where I started from was not even being able to talk about this to anyone without simply bursting into tears or getting really angry. So the fact that I can comfortably talk(to a point) about these things is a huge accomplishment for me. The fact that I'm not really angry at Cameron anymore for doing this is a huge thing. I'm still angry that he's gone all the time, but who wouldn't be a little hurt by their spouse or significant other never physically being there? It hurts alot, and it takes alot of strength in both yourself and your relationship to overcome that kind of hurt. Especially considering that I have intense abandonment issues this is leaps and bounds from where I started. But still. I don't want that to be the only way that I relate to these people to start with. I don't want that to always be the topic of conversation between these people and I. Relationships are great, but I can't stand the thought of that being the main basis for my relationship with someone. I don't want all my conversations to be about my sucky situation with my soon-to-be husband being gone all the time cuz he's in the Navy. No normal people don't get it, but they have something that they can do that the others really can't do for me, and that's help me return to normal. To take my mind off things, and not be "Jessica the Navy wife", but instead be "My friend Jessica" or "My coworker Jessica" or something else like that so I'm not pigeonholed quite so much.

My biggest fear is that being the only way that I am defined, because I don't want that to be the only thing that defines me. I want to be known for being a devoted wife, mother, student, friend, coworker, and so much more. I will never be just a Navy wife. I absolutely refuse.