Hello! So I have another update for you all. Things have been going good with wedding planning. We have an idea for what we want for the wedding cake to look like and also what flavors we want to have so that's exciting. I'm also planning a trip down to Oregon this weekend to go work on some of the wedding planning stuff with my Aunt(who is kind enough of to let us use her house to host our wedding), and get some of that stuff rolling. I'm also going bridesmaids dress shopping with my cousins at that time as well. So that should be a ton of fun. I'm very excited to be able to get all of that stuff taken care of.
Another thing that's happened is that Cameron left on underway for five weeks on Friday which is basically packing him up on the boat for five weeks for training for his upcoming deployment. However, he has been much more upset about it than I have. I really don't care, and know that that sounds terrible, but it's true. And it's not so much that I don't care, but it's more that he's always gone in my world so having him go somewhere else doesn't really change much for me. The only difference is really that I can't talk to him now, but at the same time I generally only can talk to him when we're both off of work, and that's not very often. So really, in the grand scheme of things, not much in my world has changed.
Cameron, on the other hand, was very upset about this. He was much more upset about this than I was, and than I expected him to be about all of this. Normally it really doesn't bother him when either one of us has to leave so to see him very upset about this was far from what I thought would happen. He's normally very stoic and not very attached to things. I know that he loves me and cares about me, but strong emotion isn't the way that he generally goes about showing it. And I feel terrible and very awkward because I'm really not upset about it. I mean don't get me wrong, it totally sucks, but it's not much of a change from what my normal has become. And I think that really, really bothered Cameron. He expected me to be more sad, and really upset and bothered that he was going to be gone. And to see me rather unaffected because I'm so used to him being gone and not being there really upset him alot. For me having to see that was terrible. I don't want to hurt him, but at the same time I can't change how I feel, and although I feel sad it is far from the overwhelming sadness that I used to feel over him being gone. I can't say it doesn't bother me, but on a day to day basis it doesn't really affect my life that much overall. I'm sad that he's not here, but it is what it is, and it doesn't really have much impact anymore. He's gone. He's always gone. And that's how it is. I know that I can be okay on my own, and that I don't need him. So on a regular basis I don't feel like I need him to be here with me, because I'm fine on my own.
And that fact freaked him out. He's always been okay without me being there. I just don't think that he ever realized that there was going to come a time where I would feel that way as well. That there would be a time where I wasn't always going to feel that desire to have him around and express that desire on a regular basis, and that fact really upset him.
So now we deal with that. I'm not sure what to do with it, but I know that no matter what Cameron and I will definitely figure things out. We always do. :)
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