The Housing Dilemma: A Guide to Communicating With Your Spouse

So. Cameron and I have new territory that we must cross together. We have to get, and furnish, an apartment together. Talk about an, "Oh holy crow I am married!!!" moment. Now for the challenge. Cameron lives in San Diego and I live in Seattle, WA. Whaaaaaa?! Cameron and I married about a month before he deployed out for nearly a year. Guess who didn't move to San Diego to be alone for the next year? Yep, this girl right here(which my sweet hubby totally encouraged might I add). Well now my sweetie is coming home here somewhat soonish, and I have to get an apartment in San Diego... while I'm still going to school and living my life up here in Seattle. Yep. Guess who's now a long distance apartment hunter? This girl right here! And I'm still in school and working 20 hours a week :D I live a charmed life haha.
At the moment I'm living at home with my parents, because let's face it, I'm hardly ever home so it seems really silly to pay for an apartment when I'll hardly ever be in it. Before Cameron went into the Navy he was living with his dad(who lives like ten minutes away from me... crazy!) so neither one of us has much in the way of housewares. I now have to find, and furnish an entire apartment in another state while going to school and working and trying to communicate with my husband while he's somewhere on the other side of the world-ish. God help me I could just cry.
Luckily for me, though, I have an amazing husband who is just the best person I could ever ask for when it comes to being my teammate in this world, and he has been just the greatest blessing throughout this whole process. After over a year and a half of long distance we've gotten communication down pretty well, and this has certainly tested how well we are able to communicate with each other, and we've done a pretty darn good job if I do say so myself. So without further adieu, here is my guide to navigating the transition back home with your active duty military spouse.

First things first, if you don't know how this all works, the military is pretty straight forward in the housing department. They either give you a place to stay or they give you money so you can have a place to stay. That's pretty much the jist of it. Since Cameron and I are married we're given a Basic Housing Allowing(typically referred to as BAH) which is money for us to get a place to stay. Before we got married Cameron was living in the barracks, but since we have BAH and I can't stay in the barracks with him we're now looking at getting a place to stay.
This is where it gets a little tricky. So you can either look into civilian housing or you can look into military housing which can be on or off base depending on where you go. Now the one downside to military housing is that they'll take all of your BAH in most cases. There are a select few communities that don't, but almost all of them(at least in San Diego anyway) do. Civilian housing is just getting a typical apartment wherever you'd like. Personally, Cameron and I have decided to go with this option simply because it's going to be just the two of us, and when we can get an apartment for less than our BAH and have that extra money to spend on other living expenses it makes more sense for us to do that. If you have a family and need more space military housing is a great opportunity to get a good sized living space for a good deal. It really just depends on what you need for your specific situation, but from my experience that seems to be how this whole thing works.

So then comes all the moving stuff. Whee. First things first would be to scout around for sales on furniture. I've made friends with a couple gals in the furniture department at the retailer where I work, and it has served me well as I now know about an awesome deal coming up in the first part of March where I can get pretty much all the large furniture that I need(bed frame, mattress/box spring, dining room table and chairs, and couch) for about $3500 and have 36 month interest free financing to be able to pay that off if I get the store credit card which also gives me $100 in rewards with my purchase that I can then use elsewhere in the store for other housewares :D Can you say score?! :) Hello, cheap Calphalon pan set :D

Second, would be to actually scout out apartments. Talk to your spouse about what you both want in an apartment. What area would you like to live in? How much do you want to spend on rent? Are there any amenities you want? What about square footage? What's the absolute max you're willing to spend on rent? When do you want to move in? I've actually sent my husband links to apartment listings and told him, "here's what I like. Take a look, and tell me what you think. If we both like it I'll go check it out". So far he hasn't really responded, but he's working on it which I appreciate :) Also, take someone with you when you go to look at places. Chances are most spouses are women(although I have a friend who's a military husband so no judgment) and women typically aren't taken very seriously, unfortunately(I know from experience). For example, my daddy's going with me to San Diego over a weekend to scout things out and help me figure out what I like and what I don't and help be my muscle so to speak. You can take a parent, a good friend, whoever you'd like. Remember there's power in numbers, and it also helps to have second person there so you don't feel so lonely and overwhelmed whilst shopping around.

Lastly, coordinate with your spouse when you want to move in. Do you want to wait until they're there or do you want to just do it yourself? Who's name is going on the lease? Will you need a power of attorney to sign for them on said lease? How does the rental office feel about working and being flexible with a military couple? Would they be okay if you had to potentially change the move in date due to new information?

These are just some of the things to think about and to talk to your spouse or significant other about. It's a challenge when you can't talk specifics, but you can make it work. You can talk about x number of days from a point only you know: 10 days after Suzy's birthday or 12 days before our anniversary or 3 days after that time I accidentally flung that hot dog at you or something like that. Think of it as using a reference point only you know and that no one else does. It's a challenge figuring out anything to do with coming home from deployment when you don't have specifics to hang your hat on, but you can do it. Thousands of couples have done this before you and made it work. Hopefully that is at least somewhat comforting in showing that it is in fact possible :)


If anyone has questions on how to navigate homecoming please feel free to leave a comment or fill out the contact sheet or email me! I'd be happy to do what I can to help! :) 

Update: The Honeybear is Coming Home!!! :D

Hola! So this is a super quick post, but I forgot to share something that's super super exciting!!! :D So. This year I got pretty much the best Valentine's day present ever. On Valentine's Day I got an email from Cameron saying that they had released tiger cruise dates!
If you don't know what tiger cruise is it's an opportunity for family members(spouses/significant others are not eligible so I can't go which is totally fine with me because I hate boats haha. Seriously I won't even get on the ferry by myself. I'm really not too bummed about this haha) and friends to go to wherever the final port call is before home, and they can ride on the ship back into the home port. What's so significant about them releasing tiger cruise dates is that means that we know, for sure, exactly what day they'll all be home from deployment!!!! :D I can't even begin to express my excitement and terror over this! I'll go more in depth with another blog post later, but for now I just wanted to share that I do 100% for sure know exactly when my honeybear is coming home!!!! :D Omg, I'm so excited I can't even haha :) So now we get to deal with the stress of that and moving and all that joyous stuff which I realize that I haven't talked about at all sooooo that'll have to come later haha.
So that's all for this quick update! I apologize that it's late, but I've had a super super busy week so I haven't really had a chance when I've been thinking about it to type up a post :) See you guys on Tuesday for our regularly scheduled posting! :)

When Media Attacks! Constantly Seeing Reminders of Deployment

It's true. Sometimes I feel as though the media constantly bombards me with unwanted reminders of the fact that my husband is on the other side of the world, and will be for quite sometime to come.
There's a certain lack of sensitivity that seems to come from those who don't understand what it's like to have a loved one who's deployed, and certainly not from the perspective of someone who's not on the whole patriotic binge like my family is. Even thinking about that little oath that all the sailors have to say instantly brings on the tears, and this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach as it twists and knots on itself. Some days aren't so bad. It doesn't bother me to see things every once in awhile, and I go about my days completely unaffected. Then there are the bad days where a radio commercial for Navy Federal Credit Union is enough to send me into tears. I'm not sure if it's just me, but these always seem to be the days where you just see all these reminders everywhere and it just makes you want to scream. Just me? Yes? No? Either way, it seems that the media has unintentionally somewhat ganged up on me as of late. I don't want to see constant things relating to the military everywhere I look, and yet, that seems to be what is going on as of late.
I think the worst part of it all is that my family isn't very supportive or understanding. My family is in a very opposite camp from where I am on this whole military issue. They're all very much full of national pride and think of this as some great noble mission that my husband has undertaken... and I don't. There's also the issue of my family seeing any kind of sensitivity as weakness, and as I am the most sensitive in the family I am seen as the weakest and just an unnecessary drama queen. It doesn't matter what's going on or what's up with me. I'm expected to just stuff it down and be strong and think the same way that my family does.
So where does that leave me? Well it doesn't really leave me in a very good spot. Thankfully, my husband is very kind and supportive, and understands that I'm sensitive to this and is a very good listener. I know that he doesn't always get it, but he still provides as much understanding as he can and is always patient and kind when it comes to things like this. He might not understand exactly why it's so difficult for me, but he understands that it is and does his best to help make things better for me :) I'm also lucky that I have some great girlfriends who know that I'm a rather sensitive soul and are very kind about that as well.
Hopefully one day it won't be such a big deal to see things so constantly, but until then it seems that I'm just going to be a little more wary of the television and Facebook than usual until my sweetie comes home.

How to Talk to a New Military Wife: A Guide

Hola! So last week I had touched on things I really wish that people wouldn't say to me in regards to the fact that I'm a military wife. This week I decided to go through and look at those things and come up with a better response/statement/question than the one that is on the no-no list. It's easy to say, "No, don't say that!" but sometimes we forget that not everyone knows what to say, and they might need a little help in figuring out what the right thing to say in these situations is. As much as it irks me when I hear some of these things(as a matter of fact, just last night I ran out of the room when a navy commercial came on cuz it upset me) I don't think it's very fair to just expect someone to know what to say. With that being said here are some things that you should say to a new military wife.


1. "Wow, that must be really difficult to handle/That must be something to get used to"

People know that military life is difficult. What isn't difficult about being away from your significant other for months and months at a time? However, that's generally as far as it goes in their brains, and so this overwhelming, brand-spanking-new lifestyle gets boiled down to, "Oh, she's just sad because her husband is gone," when really there's so much more to it. There are classes offered to help service members transition back to civilian life, but there aren't any classes I've ever seen that break down the basics of how the military works to new wives. For some reason it is assumed that we all get together with our children and run the newbies through the ropes. Um. No. Truthfully, I don't even know a single wife/girlfriend in my husband's division let alone on his ship. Not a single one. I've spoken with the ombudsman once, and that was only because I had my car stolen and I needed to know the fastest way to get in contact with my husband since this was a pretty big freaking deal. That's my interactions with other Navy wives. There was a gal that I used to work with who was a former Navy wife that I would talk to, but otherwise I've never talked to another wife.
The truth is that there is a ton, ton, ton of information to learn, and alot that's new and a little unsettling. My first experience with ever even looking at a military base, let alone going on one, was going on to the base in Great Lakes, Illinois for my husband's basic graduation. It was one of the most terrifying things I have ever done. I still, to this day, absolutely will not go on base without my husband. Why was I so scared? Well for starters I was experiencing awful anxiety while he was in(I was hospitalized twice for anxiety attacks, and had moderate ones on such a regular basis that in addition to being on antianxiety medication I was perscribed Ativan to stop me from going into them), and second, they do NOT mess around at those things. You are instructed as to where to go at all times. It's like being in jail. No. Really. It's like being transported through jail, and it looks like a jail. I was separated from the other people I was with who were my only support, and had my person and my purse searched before I was allowed to go into the main hallway. Thank god the man who did the search could tell I was absolutely terrified and ready to break down, and was very nice to me. And after that I was whisked away into a huge high school gymnasium type room where we waited for things to start in a giant crowd which happens to be something that I hate on a regular basis no matter what the situation. So that was fun. I will never, ever, ever go to one ever again.
So there's getting used to going on base, there's potentially moving to a new area you've never been to before, but most of all, this is learning a whole new way of life. Ever heard of BAH? Neither had I until I married my husband. Do you know what the Navy Marine Corps Relief Society is? I do now(and FYI if you're a navy or marine family who needs financial help definitely go talk to them. They helped Cameron and I pay for part of our wedding, and they were amazing. Definitely recommended). I've had to figure out what I need to get my ID which I could only do after my husband filled out the proper paperwork(which took him a week to file!). I've learned how TriCare works, I've had to learn a million acronyms, and a thousand other things. This really is a new way of life, and there's alot to learn. So add being somewhere new or not having your sweetie to help you, and things just got a whole lot harder :/ Next time you meet a new wife ask her how she's doing, and let her vent about all her frustrations and difficulties with getting things figured out and filled out, because it does take awhile. In other words, just show some compassion.

2. " How is *insert spouse's name* doing?"

This is a great alternative to starting out with asking when someone's spouse is coming home. I get asked all the time how my husband is doing, and while it is sometimes annoying(no, mom, I don't know anything new from yesterday) it is a much better thing to think about and focus your time on as opposed to looking at when so-and-so is coming home. It puts things on a much more positive note, and it also allows for focusing on the facts instead of the unknowns. I might not know when my husband is coming home, but I do know that he's doing well and that he's very much looking forward to coming home. I know that he's working on being healthier and trying to work out on a consistent basis. I know that he's looking forward to his upcoming port call so that we can get on Skype and video chat with each other. Those are things that are much more happy to focus on than the never-ending list of unknowns.

3. "What kind of plans do you have for when *insert spouse's name" comes home?/Is there anything special *insert spouse's name* wants to do when they come home?"

This is another good one to ask when you want to ask about the future without asking too many particulars or unknowns. Chances are there's a plan for what's going to happen when that significant other comes home. We already know that Cameron wants to come home for about a week or so, and then we'll be driving down to San Diego together so we can move into an apartment down there. Cameron also really wants me to stay down there for a couple weeks so that we can get settled, and so that we can do something special for our first wedding anniversary since that will be the first anniversary we have ever gotten to spend together in the the three years that we have been together :D Hopefully that happens, although now that I think about it he'll probably be on duty and be gone all day so that plan will pretty much fail, but at least this time he won't be in boot camp(1st anniversary) and he won't be out of the country (2nd and 3rd anniversaries). It's a start I suppose :)

So there you have it: a list of things that you should certainly use when talking to a military wife with a husband on deployment, or a military wife who's new to the whole thing. It's a very difficult thing to get into as it's completely different than civilian life, and it is almost a little more difficult to navigate. I can ask my parents about things I've never done in civilian life, but if there's something I don't know about military life I'd better hope that Cameron knows or knows who to ask, because otherwise we are just totally out of luck. It's very intimidating, and it only seems to get more complicated as you go on. Not to mention there's the whole challenge of navigating deployments and training missions and all kinds of new things that you've probably never dealt with before, and a lack of support when you first start off doing all of it.
Hopefully some of you find this helpful, and it either gives you something to say to someone you know or something you can say to someone who hasn't been as sensitive as you would like.

What Not to Say to a New Military Wife

All right, listen. We've all heard it. Some insensitive or uneducated remark made by either someone we know or someone we barely know that just makes us want to slap them upside the head with a fish and say, "Really?!" Okay, maybe that whole "fish" part was just me and my love for cartoons, but in all seriousness we've all had those moments where people are either annoying or hurtful whether they mean to or not, and it really sucks. So, without further adieu, here is a guide of what not to say to a new military wife when you're feeling stuck for words to say.

1. "Well you chose to be a military wife/This is military life for you/something-else-along-these-lines"

Listen. I did choose to marry my husband. However, I didn't choose his career. I had not one iota of say in that decision. My now-husband joined after we'd been dating for two months and made that entire decision without me. Being the lovely procrastinator he is it was about a month after her joined that he mentioned that he wanted me to come with him(this is the same man who waited to say he wanted to marry me until about 11pm the night before he shipped out to basic training... over text message. Yep. Biggest procrastinator ever.), and that was how I got sucked into this crazy ride. But back to the point. While I did choose to be with him I wasn't stuck with a great choice here. My choice was either stay with the man I love through a really awful situation, or lose the man I love. Hmmm such tempting options how will I ever choose? Yeah, right! I understand that I chose to be with my husband, and that to some people he practically walks on water because of his job(and yes,there is a pun in there somewhere!), but let me tell you something. When I'm up late at night crying because I miss my sweetie more than most people will ever begin to understand (because until you try long distance there's no way you can possibly understand how hard it is), the last thing I'm thinking is, "Well, at least he's gone for a noble cause." Maybe other people think that and it comforts them, and that's great for them, but that's not the case for everyone. This is just a hurtful, unhelpful comment that needs to not be said. I'm entitled to feeling whatever I want to feel, and if I miss my husband than I miss him and that's that. Saying this just makes it sound like I've lost my right to be sad because I chose to be in this situation, and I have a great deal of reason to be sad. My best friend is gone. Who wouldn't be sad about that?

2. "So when is *insert name here" coming home?/So where is *insert name here* right now?"

I totally understand wanting to make small talk, but too often this is the way people try to open a conversation with me, and sometimes it's not cool. Why? Well, to start, I have absolutely no idea as to the answers to these questions, and even if they did I can't tell anyone. That whole "loose lips sink ships" is still very alive and well, and they mean it. Not only do I not get to know anything for security reasons, I couldn't tell you even if I did know. So where is my husband? Beyond a really vague idea of a very broad area of the world? Not a clue. When is he coming home? I've been told it's sometime this summer. I suppose I'll find out what month later. Not to mention being reminded that you don't know where your spouse is or when they're coming home is really hard. It hurts, and it makes me very sad, and it's scary to think about. Thank God for email, because at least then I know he's safe and he's okay. Otherwise I don't know a blessed thing about where my sweetie is, and that's a terrifying thought.
These questions will come up at some point, and while it's okay to ask them just make sure that the person you are asking is okay with them being asked. We all have days where we're okay and days where we're not and sometimes being asked those questions on a bad day is really, really awful especially if this is your first deployment like it is for me. It's a difficult thing to learn to be okay with, and if you throw in extra mental health challenges it can be a real battle. So be kind. Ask if it's okay to ask questions about so-and-so, and respect them if they say no or that today is a bad day. They're not trying to be unkind, just trying to stay strong.

3. "You know your marriage is going to fail, right?"

Yep. I had some random customer who I had never met before, and have not seen since, say this to me when I mentioned I was getting married as part of our small talk. Her response was slightly more tactful than this, but not by much. I've had a couple other people allude to it as well. I understand that military relationships generally don't go well, but have some support for those of us who are trying. That's just rude and unhelpful. Period. Don't do it.

4. "So when are you going to have kids/Are you pregnant?"

This is not military wife exclusive, and is certainly the bane of all newlywed's existence, but sometimes I think it makes you want to bang your head against a wall that much harder when military circumstances are involved. For example, when I came back from my honeymoon my husband was just getting ready to deploy out for about a year, and one of the first questions I got when I got back was whether or not I was pregnant yet. Now I get that many people get pregnant on the honeymoon, but still my husband was getting ready to leave for the next year or so, so no, I really did not want to get pregnant and then be all alone for the entire thing. Entire newborn stage alone? Um, yeah, no thanks! This isn't one where you shouldn't ever ask, but use some common sense. Pregnant and alone just isn't an appealing option at all for anyone.

So that concludes my list of things not to say to a military wife. This isn't the be all end all list, and they certainly aren't things you shouldn't ever say, but they are things that sometimes are said a little too freely despite people having the best intentions. Not all of us are very comfortable with being a military wife, and that first deployment is really, really hard on a couple. One you do it a couple times it does get easier, but it takes time, and not all of us adjust quickly. It's taken me a year and a half to be even slightly comfortable with the fact that my husband is in the military, and to be able and willing to talk about it with other people. For me just talking about it is a big deal. Typing it on this blog is a really big deal.
So next time you talk with a military wife who's still new to the whole thing or is going through her first deployment just stop and think for a second, and maybe try to find some compassion for this very difficult situation that this woman is going through. Approach cautiously and use a whole lot of TLC because I can guarantee you it will go a long way :)