What Not to Say to a New Military Wife

All right, listen. We've all heard it. Some insensitive or uneducated remark made by either someone we know or someone we barely know that just makes us want to slap them upside the head with a fish and say, "Really?!" Okay, maybe that whole "fish" part was just me and my love for cartoons, but in all seriousness we've all had those moments where people are either annoying or hurtful whether they mean to or not, and it really sucks. So, without further adieu, here is a guide of what not to say to a new military wife when you're feeling stuck for words to say.

1. "Well you chose to be a military wife/This is military life for you/something-else-along-these-lines"

Listen. I did choose to marry my husband. However, I didn't choose his career. I had not one iota of say in that decision. My now-husband joined after we'd been dating for two months and made that entire decision without me. Being the lovely procrastinator he is it was about a month after her joined that he mentioned that he wanted me to come with him(this is the same man who waited to say he wanted to marry me until about 11pm the night before he shipped out to basic training... over text message. Yep. Biggest procrastinator ever.), and that was how I got sucked into this crazy ride. But back to the point. While I did choose to be with him I wasn't stuck with a great choice here. My choice was either stay with the man I love through a really awful situation, or lose the man I love. Hmmm such tempting options how will I ever choose? Yeah, right! I understand that I chose to be with my husband, and that to some people he practically walks on water because of his job(and yes,there is a pun in there somewhere!), but let me tell you something. When I'm up late at night crying because I miss my sweetie more than most people will ever begin to understand (because until you try long distance there's no way you can possibly understand how hard it is), the last thing I'm thinking is, "Well, at least he's gone for a noble cause." Maybe other people think that and it comforts them, and that's great for them, but that's not the case for everyone. This is just a hurtful, unhelpful comment that needs to not be said. I'm entitled to feeling whatever I want to feel, and if I miss my husband than I miss him and that's that. Saying this just makes it sound like I've lost my right to be sad because I chose to be in this situation, and I have a great deal of reason to be sad. My best friend is gone. Who wouldn't be sad about that?

2. "So when is *insert name here" coming home?/So where is *insert name here* right now?"

I totally understand wanting to make small talk, but too often this is the way people try to open a conversation with me, and sometimes it's not cool. Why? Well, to start, I have absolutely no idea as to the answers to these questions, and even if they did I can't tell anyone. That whole "loose lips sink ships" is still very alive and well, and they mean it. Not only do I not get to know anything for security reasons, I couldn't tell you even if I did know. So where is my husband? Beyond a really vague idea of a very broad area of the world? Not a clue. When is he coming home? I've been told it's sometime this summer. I suppose I'll find out what month later. Not to mention being reminded that you don't know where your spouse is or when they're coming home is really hard. It hurts, and it makes me very sad, and it's scary to think about. Thank God for email, because at least then I know he's safe and he's okay. Otherwise I don't know a blessed thing about where my sweetie is, and that's a terrifying thought.
These questions will come up at some point, and while it's okay to ask them just make sure that the person you are asking is okay with them being asked. We all have days where we're okay and days where we're not and sometimes being asked those questions on a bad day is really, really awful especially if this is your first deployment like it is for me. It's a difficult thing to learn to be okay with, and if you throw in extra mental health challenges it can be a real battle. So be kind. Ask if it's okay to ask questions about so-and-so, and respect them if they say no or that today is a bad day. They're not trying to be unkind, just trying to stay strong.

3. "You know your marriage is going to fail, right?"

Yep. I had some random customer who I had never met before, and have not seen since, say this to me when I mentioned I was getting married as part of our small talk. Her response was slightly more tactful than this, but not by much. I've had a couple other people allude to it as well. I understand that military relationships generally don't go well, but have some support for those of us who are trying. That's just rude and unhelpful. Period. Don't do it.

4. "So when are you going to have kids/Are you pregnant?"

This is not military wife exclusive, and is certainly the bane of all newlywed's existence, but sometimes I think it makes you want to bang your head against a wall that much harder when military circumstances are involved. For example, when I came back from my honeymoon my husband was just getting ready to deploy out for about a year, and one of the first questions I got when I got back was whether or not I was pregnant yet. Now I get that many people get pregnant on the honeymoon, but still my husband was getting ready to leave for the next year or so, so no, I really did not want to get pregnant and then be all alone for the entire thing. Entire newborn stage alone? Um, yeah, no thanks! This isn't one where you shouldn't ever ask, but use some common sense. Pregnant and alone just isn't an appealing option at all for anyone.

So that concludes my list of things not to say to a military wife. This isn't the be all end all list, and they certainly aren't things you shouldn't ever say, but they are things that sometimes are said a little too freely despite people having the best intentions. Not all of us are very comfortable with being a military wife, and that first deployment is really, really hard on a couple. One you do it a couple times it does get easier, but it takes time, and not all of us adjust quickly. It's taken me a year and a half to be even slightly comfortable with the fact that my husband is in the military, and to be able and willing to talk about it with other people. For me just talking about it is a big deal. Typing it on this blog is a really big deal.
So next time you talk with a military wife who's still new to the whole thing or is going through her first deployment just stop and think for a second, and maybe try to find some compassion for this very difficult situation that this woman is going through. Approach cautiously and use a whole lot of TLC because I can guarantee you it will go a long way :)