The Deployment Chronicles

Hello!
So I have gone back to my normal life, and I am once again insanely, crazy busy! I was promoted at my job basically, and so now I'm set to be a full time employee, and then on top of that I'm also taking a six credit general chemistry class this quarter at school, and I have a husband who's on deployment. Oy. Vey. I swear my life just never stops haha.
Anyway, Cameron has been gone for about a month and a half now, and today we got to Skype for the very first time since he's bee gone! So that was awesome, but I find myself still feeling really sad and having alot of mixed emotions about the whole thing. Anyway, I should probably back track a little and explain where I've been at with him being gone emotionally. So far I've had a couple little episodes where it's been a little much to handle, but otherwise I'm doing pretty well especially considering that when he first went in I was pretty much unable to function and had a very hard time. I was in the hospital for panic attacks a couple times and had to be on medication for anxiety I was having such a rough time. So far there have been no panic attacks, and I'm not on any anxiety meds so that's awesome :)
Having to say goodbye today though was tough :/ I haven't been able to see my husband's face in a month and a half, and we just got married almost three months ago, and I got to see him for about an hour and a half today and that was about it. Great! But not nearly enough time to make up for a month and a half of only emailing back and forth(which Cameron has been so, so good about, and I am extremely thankful for. If we didn't have that I have no idea how I'd be able to do this). I think the hardest part about for me is seeing how sad he is when we have to say goodbye, and knowing that it hurts him just as much as it hurts me :/ He tries so hard to be strong and not let it show, but I can read him like a book so I see it all over his face and it absolutely kills me :/ It reminds me of how much I hurt, and then I have to watch him hurt too which is almost worse.
We both try so hard to be strong, and when you're just sending an email and can hide behind the screen it's easy to put on a brave face and not say what's really going on. The deployment guide they put out even says to keep things happy and light, and only talk about negatives if you can present a solution to them in the end to continue to keep things happy for everyone. It's good advice, and I understand to a point, but unfortuantely, that's just not real life. The truth is that there will be times where there will be struggle and challenge, and I think it's important to communicate that to your spouse. That is alot easier said than done at times though, and while I've been open about my struggles I realize now, after a real conversation, that I haven't been as open as I maybe should have been in the past.
So overall, having a chance to talk to my husband was a wonderfully bittersweet experience that I'm kind of glad I don't have to repeat any time soon. I love him dearly, but seeing him so sad isn't something I think I could handle seeing more frequently :/ It has stirred up so much sadness and pain for me, and it's been more difficult than I thought it would be. The truth of it all is that I still have a very difficult time accepting all the things that go along with this lifestyle, and I know in my heart that is cannot be a long term thing. I'm functioning, but I'm not doing much beyond that, and that's not living. But for now, I've made it though a month and a half, and I'm doing pretty good which is a big accomplishment for me :) Hopefully things continue to go well, but for now that's the update!

Wedding Post!

Why hi there!

So about two months ago I got married to my best friend in the whole world, and today I thought that I would share a little bit about how my wedding went :) My wedding was incredibly small, and was mostly family oriented. Cameron and I both didn't really want a large wedding, nor are we people who really enjoy large events so a small wedding really did suit us best. My aunt and uncle live in Salem, OR and they have an adorable house that is a hundred year old farm house that has been recently renovated, and the property is quite large as my uncle runs a classic car business out of their home buying, renovating, and then selling a variety of classic cars on eBay. They had a beautiful spot for us to do our ceremony, as my aunt gardens as well, which was in the front yard out in front of the pump house for the well(which is a completely original building), and then we held our reception in the other portion of the front yard of the house. We had about 45 people, we rented everything we needed, self catered, and everything turned out perfect! My brother, my two brothers in law, and two of my husband's good friends served as the groomsmen, while my three cousins, my husband's younger sister, and my best friend for the past ten years were my bridesmaids so we had a wedding party of ten people. So crazy, but so much fun! We did a black and white wedding, but had everything in the afternoon, and kept it pretty casual for our guests. We had pasta, meatballs, salad, rolls, and various beverages for our guests to enjoy :) We also created an Italian soda station(as it was about 90 degrees at my wedding and we were outside), and had Otter Pops as well to help keep everyone cool. Thankfully, my aunt and uncle's house has a wrap around porch as well so there was plenty of shade for guests to use as well :)
The ceremony was simple. One of my good friends was gracious enough to drive to Salem for the day from Everett, WA(which is where I live and is about a 4-5 hour drive from Salem) and perform our ceremony. He wrote a very sweet message that was somewhat like a sermon, but unique to us, and we then each read a short message that we had written for each other before exchanging our wedding vows. We both wanted to do traditional and personal vows so we felt this was a nice compromise between the two :) We then exchanged the rings and that was that! :) It was only about thirty minutes from start to finish, but it was wonderful and absolutely worth it :) Our reception was free flowing, and we really just enjoyed hanging out with our friends and family and celebrating the fact that we were finally married! :) It was so nice to have such a great day go so well(we had only a few small, small hiccups which was wonderful!), and we both had an amazing day :) For anyone who's interested here are a couple pictures from our wedding!

Bride's reveal

The happy couple :)

The wedding party :)

Our lovely ceremony

We just got married!!!!

Our reception area

Our place settings for the guests

Pretty much my favorite picture from the entire wedding :) 

Hope you all enjoyed hearing about our wedding and seeing some pictures! Next up is all about our time in San Diego together :)

OMG IT'S A POST!!!!

Why hello there! So it has been FORFREAKINGEVER since I made a post on here, but my life has been insanely busy for the past couple months soooo I guess let's update on that :)

I guess the biggest thing is that I got married!!! :D On July 8th, 2014 Cameron and I got married and it was absolutely the best day of my life, although it was incredibly stressful getting to that point. We planned an entire wedding in about three months and it was just crazy getting everything done! But somehow we managed to get everything done and paid for on time(paying for everything was my other great adventure with that whole thing), and we had an incredible wedding :) It was pretty small(about 40-45 people in all), but truthfully even if we'd had more time or funds I don't know that our wedding would have been much bigger. We did a simple black and white theme and my aunt and uncle (who have a recently renovated 100 year old farm house and a good amount of space) were very gracious and hosted our wedding which was wonderful and we were so grateful for that :)

After the wedding, I went to San Diego and spent a month down there with Cameron which was awesome! I haven't had an opportunity to spend that much with Cameron since he went away to basic training in basically June of last year so having the opportunity to do this was wonderful for both us and our relationship(Side note: I'm pretty sure that it was actually technically one of the very last days of May 2013 when Cameron left, but yeah, we'll just call it June cuz why not haha) We had this adorable little rental house that was fully furnished, and it was in a wonderful part of town :) We stayed up in La Jolla which was nice since we weren't in the middle of downtown San Diego so it was a much slower pace which was wonderful :) We had the opportunity to go to a farmer's market every Sunday, as well as going to the San Diego Zoo, SeaWorld, Downtown San Diego, and we also had the opportunity to go to Disneyland and California Adventure which is somewhere that I had never been and had always really wanted to go so that was very special :)

So, you may be wondering why I'm not still in San Diego and why I went home to Seattle. Well, sadly, on August 22nd, 2014 Cameron left on deployment and is scheduled to be gone out to sea for ten months which for an aircraft carrier means we're looking at at least twelve to thirteen months before he comes back into port :( So yeah, I've been quite sad about that, but that's why I'm no longer in San Diego :/ In the mean time, I'm still working on my schooling and working and just waiting til my sweetie comes home. I'm thinking that for now that's all I'm going to post, but I'll put some other posts up about some of the things I just mentioned soon!

Wedding Planning + Feeling Awkward About My Fiance Being Gone :/

Hello! So I have another update for you all. Things have been going good with wedding planning. We have an idea for what we want for the wedding cake to look like and also what flavors we want to have so that's exciting. I'm also planning a trip down to Oregon this weekend to go work on some of the wedding planning stuff with my Aunt(who is kind enough of to let us use her house to host our wedding), and get some of that stuff rolling. I'm also going bridesmaids dress shopping with my cousins at that time as well. So that should be a ton of fun. I'm very excited to be able to get all of that stuff taken care of.
Another thing that's happened is that Cameron left on underway for five weeks on Friday which is basically packing him up on the boat for five weeks for training for his upcoming deployment. However, he has been much more upset about it than I have. I really don't care, and know that that sounds terrible, but it's true. And it's not so much that I don't care, but it's more that he's always gone in my world so having him go somewhere else doesn't really change much for me. The only difference is really that I can't talk to him now, but at the same time I generally only can talk to him when we're both off of work, and that's not very often. So really, in the grand scheme of things, not much in my world has changed.
Cameron, on the other hand, was very upset about this. He was much more upset about this than I was, and than I expected him to be about all of this. Normally it really doesn't bother him when either one of us has to leave so to see him very upset about this was far from what I thought would happen. He's normally very stoic and not very attached to things. I know that he loves me and cares about me, but strong emotion isn't the way that he generally goes about showing it. And I feel terrible and very awkward because I'm really not upset about it. I mean don't get me wrong, it totally sucks, but it's not much of a change from what my normal has become. And I think that really, really bothered Cameron. He expected me to be more sad, and really upset and bothered that he was going to be gone. And to see me rather unaffected because I'm so used to him being gone and not being there really upset him alot. For me having to see that was terrible. I don't want to hurt him, but at the same time I can't change how I feel, and although I feel sad it is far from the overwhelming sadness that I used to feel over him being gone. I can't say it doesn't bother me, but on a day to day basis it doesn't really affect my life that much overall. I'm sad that he's not here, but it is what it is, and it doesn't really have much impact anymore. He's gone. He's always gone. And that's how it is. I know that I can be okay on my own, and that I don't need him. So on a regular basis I don't feel like I need him to be here with me, because I'm fine on my own.
And that fact freaked him out. He's always been okay without me being there. I just don't think that he ever realized that there was going to come a time where I would feel that way as well. That there would be a time where I wasn't always going to feel that desire to have him around and express that desire on a regular basis, and that fact really upset him.
So now we deal with that. I'm not sure what to do with it, but I know that no matter what Cameron and I will definitely figure things out. We always do. :)

Struggling With Acceptance

So the other night Cameron and I were having conversations about our upcoming lifestyle. Telling me all the information that I need to know for deployment, and all that jazz. Truthfully, I didn't retain any of that information. That's awful I know, but I realized after that conversation that I really do not in any way shape or form want to be a Navy wife. I really don't. Cameron was trying to tell me about how I'm essentially part of a big "Navy Family", and I cringed at the thought. Physically. Cringing. At the thought of being in camaraderie with these people over that. I realize now that I really am not comfortable with being a Navy wife and relating to people in that way at all. I don't want to be defined like that. Period. I don't want that as a part of who I am. And man, oh man, is that creating problems for me and for my relationship as well. Cameron wants me to be more involved in this than I am, and I'm trying, but I am just not in a place to be as involved as he wants me to be. And this has nothing to do with the people. There will always be a mix of people that you like and don't like anywhere you go. This has to do with me accepting that this is what my life is. And I really don't want to accept it.

Now please, bear with me, because where I started from was not even being able to talk about this to anyone without simply bursting into tears or getting really angry. So the fact that I can comfortably talk(to a point) about these things is a huge accomplishment for me. The fact that I'm not really angry at Cameron anymore for doing this is a huge thing. I'm still angry that he's gone all the time, but who wouldn't be a little hurt by their spouse or significant other never physically being there? It hurts alot, and it takes alot of strength in both yourself and your relationship to overcome that kind of hurt. Especially considering that I have intense abandonment issues this is leaps and bounds from where I started. But still. I don't want that to be the only way that I relate to these people to start with. I don't want that to always be the topic of conversation between these people and I. Relationships are great, but I can't stand the thought of that being the main basis for my relationship with someone. I don't want all my conversations to be about my sucky situation with my soon-to-be husband being gone all the time cuz he's in the Navy. No normal people don't get it, but they have something that they can do that the others really can't do for me, and that's help me return to normal. To take my mind off things, and not be "Jessica the Navy wife", but instead be "My friend Jessica" or "My coworker Jessica" or something else like that so I'm not pigeonholed quite so much.

My biggest fear is that being the only way that I am defined, because I don't want that to be the only thing that defines me. I want to be known for being a devoted wife, mother, student, friend, coworker, and so much more. I will never be just a Navy wife. I absolutely refuse.

Wedding Planning Blues

Hola!

So today I've been really sad for most of the day. Part of this I think is because it's very warm here in Washington today for the first time all year(we were up in the mid 70's to low 80's which is nuts for late April), and the other part is that I've been tired all day. But I think the biggest thing has been that I've really been missing Cameron today. Planning a wedding is supposed to be fun, and for the most part it has been(our cake topper gets here tomorrow and I am ridiculously excited about it. It's a Willow Tree cake topper and we both absolutely love it), but pretty soon Cameron will be on underway for five weeks and when he's gone it will be just me to handle all the planning. We've done all the planning together thus far, and doing it on my own and not having Cameron to call or text when I get things done and tell him what's going on is going to be really tough.

Another tough part of this is the fact that we both really are lacking the ability to pay for everything right now. Like coming up with a thousand dollars is a challenge, and truthfully we only need about another $1500 to book the important things for our wedding, and then we should be able to cash-flow everything else(like decorations which besides a photographer and equipment to rent out is the only thing that we have left to pay for), but for now we can't come up with that money. We're looking into options that we have to help make everything work, but as of right now it's not working out and that's incredibly depressing. The final blow came today as we found out that the loan we had requested with the bank to pay for our honeymoon was denied. We had hoped to have me come down to San Diego for a month to spend time with Cameron before he had to go on deployment, but as of right now that just isn't an option because we can't pay for it. I don't have the $4500 that we need to pay for a house to rent down there unless I decide to completely empty my savings account, and I can't do that. So. Yeah. Wedding planning has not been at all what I thought it would be. I knew there would be stress, and I knew that there would be problems. I never expected smooth sailing. I just didn't think the road would be this rocky. All I want to do is have a small, intimate wedding with my fiance and get to spend some good quality time with him before he leaves for a year. That's all that I wanted. And now everything is in limbo, and it's a terrible place to be in. Lord I hope that we will be able to make everything work soon. Please. I just want it to work.

Ah soooo much updating!

Oy. Vey. It has been forever since I've posted anything here, but I've been super busy and I kind of forgot about all of this stuff until like just now. SO. Cameron is no longer in Pensacola and is now stationed on San Diego on the USS Carl Vincent. My last trip to Pensacola was absolutely awful. I really wish that I hadn't taken it in all seriousness. It was that bad. Cameron ended up working the entire time that I was there so my whole trip was me being by myself which was not fun. And then on top of that if you've ever been to Pensacola then you know that there is NOTHING TO DO!!!! OMG it is ridiculous! I'm used to Seattle where there's a TON of stuff to do, and there's always places to drive to and things to do and all that, so this was a major adjustment for me and I did not enjoy it at all. And then Cameron and I ended up coming home at the same time(he had leave between commands), and the second day that we were home Cameron decided it was time for a health scare. So we got home really really early Friday morning(like 2am). Cameron stayed the night with me at my house for convenience since we had carpooled home together, and then the next day we drove to Port Orchard and hung out with his mom and sister and picked up his car(which mama had been borrowing since her van had died and she needed a car to drive while she looked for a new one), and then headed home. Saturday morning Cameron's mom came up to spend time with him while I headed home to get ready for work. About an hour before work I got a call from Cameron's mom saying that he had passed out at the mall in the bathroom. I called out from work and met him at home feeling like a very concerned fiancee. He looked awful(which did not help the feelings of concern), but we gave him some fluids and got him to bed since all he wanted to do was sleep. About an hour later he woke up and was sick with a vengeance(side note: I cleaned everything up because I am a good fiancee) and instantly passed back out in the bathtub(he decided to take a bath cuz he'd gotten sick all over himself poor thing) while I was cleaning up. I checked in on him regularly then got him out of the tub and dressed, and it was right back to bed. I had a horrible feeling that something was really wrong so I called my mom who said he was having concussion symptoms and we needed to get him to the hospital right away to get looked at. So Cameron's dad and I roused him out of bed, helped him down a flight of stairs, and then he passed out again. Catching a 200lb man when you're only 110lbs is not fun at all in case you were wondering. So I got to call the paramedics who concluded that he was concussive, and took him over to Providence Hospital where we spent 5 hours in the ER with a boy who ended up having a mild concussion and was also dehydrated from throwing up earlier. So that was fun, because Cameron didn't feel better until the following Thursday, and then left the Sunday after so I got only a couple good days with my fiance in two weeks of being together :/. Le poo. The kicker was finding out that we could have had him take his E4 test at the naval base in Everett which would have allowed him to stay longer.... So yeah. That was great.
Another development is that Cameron is now leaving for a 9 month deployment at the end of August which cancelled our wedding date for next year soooo now we are getting married this summer! Ahh! I'm excited, but at the same time extremely terrified. There's so much to do and while alot is done(thank the lord!), there's still a lot to do so this is going to be very interesting. Anyway that's a basic update. There's so much more that has happened, but I think for now that that's going to be it. I'll post a more recent/indepth update soon!

Orders Update

So like I said in my last post, Cameron was supposed to get his orders on Friday, Feb 7th.Well that turned into Valentine's Day, which then proceeded to turn into "Who knows when?". That's right. Cameron has no orders as of right now, and we have no idea when they will be coming in. I am so irritated. I spent a week worrying about this to not find anything out. So. Lame. But on a better note, I did get to enjoy a very nice Skype date with my sweetheart for Valentine's Day, and he got me some very sweet presents. I got a new gun for my airbrush, some new makeup, a travel guide to France, and my favorite: a wedding planning book. I thought that that was incredibly sweet. Otherwise, not much to report here. We both finally have our tax returns, and we just found out on Valentine's Day that Cameron's leave request got approved so I will be able to visit him on the 25th which is fabulous. The best part? I don't have to go home until the 6th of March so we will have lots and lots of time to spend together. I'm really excited, and very happy that this trip has worked out like I hoped. Well, that's all for now. Until next time!

Update: Finally Getting Orders

Oh. Em. Gee. So today has been a huge bombshell kind of day. Yesterday I worked 11 1/2 hours, so going back today to work another 8 was really hard. Coming home and finding out that your fiance will be getting his orders on Friday was not at all what I wanted to hear. After more than a month of waiting we will finally know where Cameron will be stationed for(most likely) the remainder of his enlistment period (i.e. the next 3 years and 4 ish months). I am f***ing terrified. I never wanted to be a military wife or a wife of any man who wore any kind of uniform for that matter for as long as I can remember. Literally, at like 5 or 6 I was like "Nope!" to that whole idea. The biggest reason? I didn't want to be left anymore, and I really didn't want to be left and be alone. I still don't like feeling like I've been left behind, like a forgotten item on a trip that's only come back for when it's missed. As a child I dealt with some pretty intense situations and abandonment so this is harder for me, because the emotions are the same and they take me back to that time. In the first 6 years of my life I dealt with three deaths which were all unexpected, and all were within two years of each other. I lost my Grandpa at two(which bothers me much more now since my other Grandpa has no interest in a relationship with me, and my grandpa who passed loved me to pieces), my Grandma at 4, and then my dog died when I was 6. My grandma Bernadette was the hardest loss to take. She watched me most mornings before my dad got off work, and she loved me alot. I can feel her patient love in all my faint memories of her. She made delicious oatmeal, let me play with her Estee Lauder makeup, and loved me to pieces. I always had so much fun at Grandma's house, and she had fun having me there. Unfortunately, I didn't learn until I was much older that my beloved Grandmother had a very bad drinking problem. In fact, I was only allowed down there when she wasn't drinking. It had gone on for years, and though she had it in control at the time, as far as I know, that and the years of smoking had taken their toll. And so, when I was about 4 and a half, my wonderful Grandma Bernadette passed away of a massive, unexpected heart attack. I was crushed. I remember my mom sitting me down and telling me that Grandma had gone to be with Jesus. I screamed "No she didn't!" at the top of my lungs, and ran to my room and cried for hours. I lost the one person who really made me feel loved no matter what. My family life crumbled after that, and pretty soon my parents were separated, and my mother was yelling at me on a pretty regular basis. I felt as though I had to be perfect to be shown any kind of love. It was a hard time on everyone, myself and my mom especially.
Now that all that's over, I still have a rough relationship with my mom, and truthfully Cameron has filled in alot of the voids that have been left behind from my volatile childhood. However, this has opened up many of the voids that were once closed, and that's been very difficult. Nothing is worse than being given what you want, and then having it made into something that causes you great pain. It's like some kind of sick joke. Right now, I just pray to God that I can get trough this, because right now I'm struggling so bad. I really just want to leave; to say "F**k this!" and leave rather than face the pain head on. What's worse is that I had planned to see Cameron at the end of this month for a little over a week, and now that plan may very well have to be scrapped depending on when he has to report to his next command. 9 much needed "us" days are now hanging in the balance, and I'm heartbroken. I needed that badly. We needed that badly. I had hoped that we could have that time to spend together focusing on our relationship, but now perhaps not so. Now it's all up in the air again, and I don't know what to do. All I know is that I very well may have just lost $340 and an invaluable opportunity to spend time with my fiance. 2 weeks. That's all we've spend together in the past 8 months since he joined. God, I really hope this changes soon...

It's Not Easy Being the Breadwinner

Okay, so this post is rather random, but it's driving me crazy. So today as I'm getting ready to leave work my boss decides to remind me that I only got four credit card applications last year, and that if I want to get more hours at work then I need to step up my game and get more iCAPS(instant credit applications) or else my hours are going to go down like crazy.
All right. Let's explain a couple things.
I work for a clothing retailer. The store is divided up into different sections, and every section has a set of registers that they are responsible. That is, all of them do, except for mine. Yep. That's right folks. I am somehow supposed to clean the floor, clean three fitting rooms, help customers, and walk to the other side of the store practically and ring so that I can get credit apps from strangers, and then somehow do all this when there are maybe two or three of us to do my entire section of the store. Okay. I understand where my job is coming from. I really do. That is part of my job, and I'm not doing it as well as they want me too. But come on guys! I'm trying really hard here, and I do have some added obstacles in my way. Not to mention, doesn't good customer service count in here somewhere? No...? Okay... :/

I guess the main reason that it bothers me is that I'm the breadwinner in this relationship. Cameron makes enough to cover his expenses, and there's not a whole lot that's left over, which means that saving for the wedding and anything else that we want to do is mostly up to me. And I was okay with that for awhile, but now this is becoming a problem, because now I can't provide for myself let alone provide for someone else. It really isn't easy being the breadwinner, and it definitely just got a whole lot harder. Here's to hoping that things get better one way or another sometime soon.

Little Update + I Can't Relate To This Lifestyle... :/

Sooooo.... since I haven't posted in awhile I thought I would give an update on how things are going with Cameron and myself. I'll be honest, and say that when I wrote my last post things were not in a very good spot. In a couple days Cameron will have officially been in the Navy for eight months. I really truly can't believe it. Things are going better than they were at the beginning of this year which is good, and they are definitely better than where we started at.

We've finalized a plan for our wedding, and now we're just hoping to be able to have the date that we want. Cameron is still in holding, and has been for a month now, so we still aren't sure whether he'll be on a shore command or on sea duty. Right now there is no news to update now. We would really like to get married on our anniversary partly for the romance, and partly so we get at least one anniversary to spend together while he's enlisted. For our first anniversary he was within his first two weeks of basic so he had absolutely no contact with anyone at all. I didn't even have the hope of maybe getting a phone call. I remember working most of the day that day, and actually being okay, but losing it the second I got home and saw Alexis and Douglas. Who are Alexis and Douglas? This might be really goofy, but they are our stuffed animal "children". Before Cameron left we went to Build-a-Bear and made stuffed animals for each other that each have the others voice saying "I love you" in a little sound box that you can squeeze in one of their feet. Madame Alexis Bunnykins is a little bunny Cameron made for me, and while he was in basic I took care of his dog Sir Douglas Woofs Alot. Yeah... we're that cutsey couple. But I'm very grateful for them. For about two weeks I took them everywhere with me after Cameron left. They were my comfort, and it made me very happy to have them there to hold when the person I really wanted was unavailable. They've born witness to many tears that I've shed, and they always do a great job of comforting their mommy when she's sad(See? We're just disgustingly adorable... Cameron is, of course, their daddy).

Speaking of daddies... hehe just kidding.

Right now the main thing that's been hard for me is all the pity and looks of "oh that poor thing. She has no idea what she's in for" that I seem to receive as a future Navy wife, especially a young one. It's frustrating that everyone wants to talk me out of my marriage. Honestly, if I wanted everyone's opinion, I would ask for it. I actually had a random customer at work the other day basically try to talk me out of my engagement by reminding me that half of all marriages fail, and insinuating that I was essentially doomed, and looking on me as a poor naive girl. Seriously. Lady. Shut up. I don't even know you. Just play nice with the other kids and keep your opinions to yourself.
Oh. And that reminds me. No, I do not plant to stay at home and have babies and clean. Like, what makes you think that that is every military wife's dream? Some women like that life, and some, like me, would go freakin nuts! Ugh. What frustrates me about that is that it makes it hard for me to relate to other women who are in similar positions. Even a gal who I work with who's a former Navy wife really only works to give herself something to do and let's her husband provide for her. Which is fine. I'm really happy that works for her. But I want to accomplish something. I want to have my own career, have something that I've worked hard for and that is the product of my effort and the support of my family. Cam and I have already discussed the very likely possibility that he will be a stay-at-home dad, and quite frankly, he's excited to do that. He wants me to accomplish things. He wants me to be happy, and he would rather stay at home and take care of these things than work all the time. He even mentioned something about wanting to have dinner ready for me when I got home... Sigh, oh my, am I a lucky girl or what? Just another way I don't relate to the Navy wife life. I don't mind supporting Cameron's dreams and ambitions by holding down the home front, but I really need him to do the same for me too. Maybe I'm just too new fashion for this, but I really want some equality from my relationship. 3 years and 4 months to go. Then it's his turn.... >:D

An Introduction to My Story

I never, ever, wanted to be a Navy wife. I never wanted to date anyone who wore any kind of uniform. Ever. That just never was part of what I wanted in my life. I wanted a husband who would be around for myself and my children. Someone who would be there for me, who would love me, who would give me all the things I had never had. That was, if I ever got married. I never thought that would happen for me either. But it is going to happen, hopefully. Let's begin.

I met my fiance, Cameron, in the December of 2011. We were friends for about 6 months, and we finally began dating on June 8th, 2012. From the start we were far from traditional. I attended Cameron's graduation from The University of Washington on June 9th, 2012 as his girlfriend of less than 12 hours, and then met most of his family at the graduation party that followed that evening. He didn't even tell anyone that we were dating so his mom thought I was dating one of his friends that I had carpooled with. That was pretty amusing. What happened next, though, has changed my life drastically. After about two months of dating Cameron enlisted in the United States Navy. I was in utter shock. I had known he'd wanted to enlist, but I had no idea he would do it so soon. Even better was when he almost did it without me knowing, and then lied saying that he had in fact said that he had in fact told me. I nearly dumped him that evening, and I was incredibly angry. The next month he mentioned that he had thought about having me move with him when he got stationed after basic. We had so many more fights, but somehow we managed to stay together and work though every issue that came up. He left for basic training a week and a half before our first anniversary. I sobbed hysterically for three hours, and almost didn't make it home because I was trying so hard not to cry. I can't remember the last time I cried so hard.
Basic training was awful. I went on anti-anxiety medication, was hospitalized twice for panic attacks, had one other that I probably should have been hospitalized for, and was just an overall wreck. I struggled very hard with the fact that I felt utterly abandoned. Only seeing him for about ten hours after two months of barely any contact didn't make things any easier. I missed every phone call he made, and I cried every time. I even had to leave work one night while I was training a new-hire because I could not stop crying because of that. It hurt so bad.

Now that he's out of basic things are better, but I still struggle daily. I went from seeing him 4-5 days a week to seeing him for 2 weeks total in the past 7 1/2 months. We got engaged shortly after he got out of basic and into his school command which is in Pensacola, Florida. I live in Everett, Washington which is about 20min north of Seattle. We can't get much farther apart than we are right now while still being within the boundaries of the continental US.

This blog is for me. This bog is for the girls who fight the same fight that I do. This blog is for the girls who are stuck in the position of having to be something that fits nothing of who they are No one dreams of being a military wife, but some of us are more unwilling than others. If it hadn't been for the fact that I knew I found the right man before he went in there's no doubt in my mind that I would have been long gone. I've always known I wasn't the right girl for this task. I have anxiety problems, abandonment issues, and a slew of other things that make this so much harder for me to do. But I love Cameron. He is my best friend and my one true love. And so I suffer every day, watching my dream become more and more nightmarish as it goes along, because I found someone worth suffering for. But will I ever fit the mold? No. Will I ever want to sit at home with the children baking and cleaning away? Nope. And yet this is the mold I find myself being forced into little by little. But I promise you that I will shatter it into a million pieces before I become someone I'm not.