I never, ever, wanted to be a Navy wife. I never wanted to date anyone who wore any kind of uniform. Ever. That just never was part of what I wanted in my life. I wanted a husband who would be around for myself and my children. Someone who would be there for me, who would love me, who would give me all the things I had never had. That was, if I ever got married. I never thought that would happen for me either. But it is going to happen, hopefully. Let's begin.
I met my fiance, Cameron, in the December of 2011. We were friends for about 6 months, and we finally began dating on June 8th, 2012. From the start we were far from traditional. I attended Cameron's graduation from The University of Washington on June 9th, 2012 as his girlfriend of less than 12 hours, and then met most of his family at the graduation party that followed that evening. He didn't even tell anyone that we were dating so his mom thought I was dating one of his friends that I had carpooled with. That was pretty amusing. What happened next, though, has changed my life drastically. After about two months of dating Cameron enlisted in the United States Navy. I was in utter shock. I had known he'd wanted to enlist, but I had no idea he would do it so soon. Even better was when he almost did it without me knowing, and then lied saying that he had in fact said that he had in fact told me. I nearly dumped him that evening, and I was incredibly angry. The next month he mentioned that he had thought about having me move with him when he got stationed after basic. We had so many more fights, but somehow we managed to stay together and work though every issue that came up. He left for basic training a week and a half before our first anniversary. I sobbed hysterically for three hours, and almost didn't make it home because I was trying so hard not to cry. I can't remember the last time I cried so hard.
Basic training was awful. I went on anti-anxiety medication, was hospitalized twice for panic attacks, had one other that I probably should have been hospitalized for, and was just an overall wreck. I struggled very hard with the fact that I felt utterly abandoned. Only seeing him for about ten hours after two months of barely any contact didn't make things any easier. I missed every phone call he made, and I cried every time. I even had to leave work one night while I was training a new-hire because I could not stop crying because of that. It hurt so bad.
Now that he's out of basic things are better, but I still struggle daily. I went from seeing him 4-5 days a week to seeing him for 2 weeks total in the past 7 1/2 months. We got engaged shortly after he got out of basic and into his school command which is in Pensacola, Florida. I live in Everett, Washington which is about 20min north of Seattle. We can't get much farther apart than we are right now while still being within the boundaries of the continental US.
This blog is for me. This bog is for the girls who fight the same fight that I do. This blog is for the girls who are stuck in the position of having to be something that fits nothing of who they are No one dreams of being a military wife, but some of us are more unwilling than others. If it hadn't been for the fact that I knew I found the right man before he went in there's no doubt in my mind that I would have been long gone. I've always known I wasn't the right girl for this task. I have anxiety problems, abandonment issues, and a slew of other things that make this so much harder for me to do. But I love Cameron. He is my best friend and my one true love. And so I suffer every day, watching my dream become more and more nightmarish as it goes along, because I found someone worth suffering for. But will I ever fit the mold? No. Will I ever want to sit at home with the children baking and cleaning away? Nope. And yet this is the mold I find myself being forced into little by little. But I promise you that I will shatter it into a million pieces before I become someone I'm not.
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