Okay, so this post is rather random, but it's driving me crazy. So today as I'm getting ready to leave work my boss decides to remind me that I only got four credit card applications last year, and that if I want to get more hours at work then I need to step up my game and get more iCAPS(instant credit applications) or else my hours are going to go down like crazy.
All right. Let's explain a couple things.
I work for a clothing retailer. The store is divided up into different sections, and every section has a set of registers that they are responsible. That is, all of them do, except for mine. Yep. That's right folks. I am somehow supposed to clean the floor, clean three fitting rooms, help customers, and walk to the other side of the store practically and ring so that I can get credit apps from strangers, and then somehow do all this when there are maybe two or three of us to do my entire section of the store. Okay. I understand where my job is coming from. I really do. That is part of my job, and I'm not doing it as well as they want me too. But come on guys! I'm trying really hard here, and I do have some added obstacles in my way. Not to mention, doesn't good customer service count in here somewhere? No...? Okay... :/
I guess the main reason that it bothers me is that I'm the breadwinner in this relationship. Cameron makes enough to cover his expenses, and there's not a whole lot that's left over, which means that saving for the wedding and anything else that we want to do is mostly up to me. And I was okay with that for awhile, but now this is becoming a problem, because now I can't provide for myself let alone provide for someone else. It really isn't easy being the breadwinner, and it definitely just got a whole lot harder. Here's to hoping that things get better one way or another sometime soon.
Monday, January 27, 2014
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Little Update + I Can't Relate To This Lifestyle... :/
Sooooo.... since I haven't posted in awhile I thought I would give an update on how things are going with Cameron and myself. I'll be honest, and say that when I wrote my last post things were not in a very good spot. In a couple days Cameron will have officially been in the Navy for eight months. I really truly can't believe it. Things are going better than they were at the beginning of this year which is good, and they are definitely better than where we started at.
We've finalized a plan for our wedding, and now we're just hoping to be able to have the date that we want. Cameron is still in holding, and has been for a month now, so we still aren't sure whether he'll be on a shore command or on sea duty. Right now there is no news to update now. We would really like to get married on our anniversary partly for the romance, and partly so we get at least one anniversary to spend together while he's enlisted. For our first anniversary he was within his first two weeks of basic so he had absolutely no contact with anyone at all. I didn't even have the hope of maybe getting a phone call. I remember working most of the day that day, and actually being okay, but losing it the second I got home and saw Alexis and Douglas. Who are Alexis and Douglas? This might be really goofy, but they are our stuffed animal "children". Before Cameron left we went to Build-a-Bear and made stuffed animals for each other that each have the others voice saying "I love you" in a little sound box that you can squeeze in one of their feet. Madame Alexis Bunnykins is a little bunny Cameron made for me, and while he was in basic I took care of his dog Sir Douglas Woofs Alot. Yeah... we're that cutsey couple. But I'm very grateful for them. For about two weeks I took them everywhere with me after Cameron left. They were my comfort, and it made me very happy to have them there to hold when the person I really wanted was unavailable. They've born witness to many tears that I've shed, and they always do a great job of comforting their mommy when she's sad(See? We're just disgustingly adorable... Cameron is, of course, their daddy).
Speaking of daddies... hehe just kidding.
Right now the main thing that's been hard for me is all the pity and looks of "oh that poor thing. She has no idea what she's in for" that I seem to receive as a future Navy wife, especially a young one. It's frustrating that everyone wants to talk me out of my marriage. Honestly, if I wanted everyone's opinion, I would ask for it. I actually had a random customer at work the other day basically try to talk me out of my engagement by reminding me that half of all marriages fail, and insinuating that I was essentially doomed, and looking on me as a poor naive girl. Seriously. Lady. Shut up. I don't even know you. Just play nice with the other kids and keep your opinions to yourself.
Oh. And that reminds me. No, I do not plant to stay at home and have babies and clean. Like, what makes you think that that is every military wife's dream? Some women like that life, and some, like me, would go freakin nuts! Ugh. What frustrates me about that is that it makes it hard for me to relate to other women who are in similar positions. Even a gal who I work with who's a former Navy wife really only works to give herself something to do and let's her husband provide for her. Which is fine. I'm really happy that works for her. But I want to accomplish something. I want to have my own career, have something that I've worked hard for and that is the product of my effort and the support of my family. Cam and I have already discussed the very likely possibility that he will be a stay-at-home dad, and quite frankly, he's excited to do that. He wants me to accomplish things. He wants me to be happy, and he would rather stay at home and take care of these things than work all the time. He even mentioned something about wanting to have dinner ready for me when I got home... Sigh, oh my, am I a lucky girl or what? Just another way I don't relate to the Navy wife life. I don't mind supporting Cameron's dreams and ambitions by holding down the home front, but I really need him to do the same for me too. Maybe I'm just too new fashion for this, but I really want some equality from my relationship. 3 years and 4 months to go. Then it's his turn.... >:D
We've finalized a plan for our wedding, and now we're just hoping to be able to have the date that we want. Cameron is still in holding, and has been for a month now, so we still aren't sure whether he'll be on a shore command or on sea duty. Right now there is no news to update now. We would really like to get married on our anniversary partly for the romance, and partly so we get at least one anniversary to spend together while he's enlisted. For our first anniversary he was within his first two weeks of basic so he had absolutely no contact with anyone at all. I didn't even have the hope of maybe getting a phone call. I remember working most of the day that day, and actually being okay, but losing it the second I got home and saw Alexis and Douglas. Who are Alexis and Douglas? This might be really goofy, but they are our stuffed animal "children". Before Cameron left we went to Build-a-Bear and made stuffed animals for each other that each have the others voice saying "I love you" in a little sound box that you can squeeze in one of their feet. Madame Alexis Bunnykins is a little bunny Cameron made for me, and while he was in basic I took care of his dog Sir Douglas Woofs Alot. Yeah... we're that cutsey couple. But I'm very grateful for them. For about two weeks I took them everywhere with me after Cameron left. They were my comfort, and it made me very happy to have them there to hold when the person I really wanted was unavailable. They've born witness to many tears that I've shed, and they always do a great job of comforting their mommy when she's sad(See? We're just disgustingly adorable... Cameron is, of course, their daddy).
Speaking of daddies... hehe just kidding.
Right now the main thing that's been hard for me is all the pity and looks of "oh that poor thing. She has no idea what she's in for" that I seem to receive as a future Navy wife, especially a young one. It's frustrating that everyone wants to talk me out of my marriage. Honestly, if I wanted everyone's opinion, I would ask for it. I actually had a random customer at work the other day basically try to talk me out of my engagement by reminding me that half of all marriages fail, and insinuating that I was essentially doomed, and looking on me as a poor naive girl. Seriously. Lady. Shut up. I don't even know you. Just play nice with the other kids and keep your opinions to yourself.
Oh. And that reminds me. No, I do not plant to stay at home and have babies and clean. Like, what makes you think that that is every military wife's dream? Some women like that life, and some, like me, would go freakin nuts! Ugh. What frustrates me about that is that it makes it hard for me to relate to other women who are in similar positions. Even a gal who I work with who's a former Navy wife really only works to give herself something to do and let's her husband provide for her. Which is fine. I'm really happy that works for her. But I want to accomplish something. I want to have my own career, have something that I've worked hard for and that is the product of my effort and the support of my family. Cam and I have already discussed the very likely possibility that he will be a stay-at-home dad, and quite frankly, he's excited to do that. He wants me to accomplish things. He wants me to be happy, and he would rather stay at home and take care of these things than work all the time. He even mentioned something about wanting to have dinner ready for me when I got home... Sigh, oh my, am I a lucky girl or what? Just another way I don't relate to the Navy wife life. I don't mind supporting Cameron's dreams and ambitions by holding down the home front, but I really need him to do the same for me too. Maybe I'm just too new fashion for this, but I really want some equality from my relationship. 3 years and 4 months to go. Then it's his turn.... >:D
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
An Introduction to My Story
I never, ever, wanted to be a Navy wife. I never wanted to date anyone who wore any kind of uniform. Ever. That just never was part of what I wanted in my life. I wanted a husband who would be around for myself and my children. Someone who would be there for me, who would love me, who would give me all the things I had never had. That was, if I ever got married. I never thought that would happen for me either. But it is going to happen, hopefully. Let's begin.
I met my fiance, Cameron, in the December of 2011. We were friends for about 6 months, and we finally began dating on June 8th, 2012. From the start we were far from traditional. I attended Cameron's graduation from The University of Washington on June 9th, 2012 as his girlfriend of less than 12 hours, and then met most of his family at the graduation party that followed that evening. He didn't even tell anyone that we were dating so his mom thought I was dating one of his friends that I had carpooled with. That was pretty amusing. What happened next, though, has changed my life drastically. After about two months of dating Cameron enlisted in the United States Navy. I was in utter shock. I had known he'd wanted to enlist, but I had no idea he would do it so soon. Even better was when he almost did it without me knowing, and then lied saying that he had in fact said that he had in fact told me. I nearly dumped him that evening, and I was incredibly angry. The next month he mentioned that he had thought about having me move with him when he got stationed after basic. We had so many more fights, but somehow we managed to stay together and work though every issue that came up. He left for basic training a week and a half before our first anniversary. I sobbed hysterically for three hours, and almost didn't make it home because I was trying so hard not to cry. I can't remember the last time I cried so hard.
Basic training was awful. I went on anti-anxiety medication, was hospitalized twice for panic attacks, had one other that I probably should have been hospitalized for, and was just an overall wreck. I struggled very hard with the fact that I felt utterly abandoned. Only seeing him for about ten hours after two months of barely any contact didn't make things any easier. I missed every phone call he made, and I cried every time. I even had to leave work one night while I was training a new-hire because I could not stop crying because of that. It hurt so bad.
Now that he's out of basic things are better, but I still struggle daily. I went from seeing him 4-5 days a week to seeing him for 2 weeks total in the past 7 1/2 months. We got engaged shortly after he got out of basic and into his school command which is in Pensacola, Florida. I live in Everett, Washington which is about 20min north of Seattle. We can't get much farther apart than we are right now while still being within the boundaries of the continental US.
This blog is for me. This bog is for the girls who fight the same fight that I do. This blog is for the girls who are stuck in the position of having to be something that fits nothing of who they are No one dreams of being a military wife, but some of us are more unwilling than others. If it hadn't been for the fact that I knew I found the right man before he went in there's no doubt in my mind that I would have been long gone. I've always known I wasn't the right girl for this task. I have anxiety problems, abandonment issues, and a slew of other things that make this so much harder for me to do. But I love Cameron. He is my best friend and my one true love. And so I suffer every day, watching my dream become more and more nightmarish as it goes along, because I found someone worth suffering for. But will I ever fit the mold? No. Will I ever want to sit at home with the children baking and cleaning away? Nope. And yet this is the mold I find myself being forced into little by little. But I promise you that I will shatter it into a million pieces before I become someone I'm not.
I met my fiance, Cameron, in the December of 2011. We were friends for about 6 months, and we finally began dating on June 8th, 2012. From the start we were far from traditional. I attended Cameron's graduation from The University of Washington on June 9th, 2012 as his girlfriend of less than 12 hours, and then met most of his family at the graduation party that followed that evening. He didn't even tell anyone that we were dating so his mom thought I was dating one of his friends that I had carpooled with. That was pretty amusing. What happened next, though, has changed my life drastically. After about two months of dating Cameron enlisted in the United States Navy. I was in utter shock. I had known he'd wanted to enlist, but I had no idea he would do it so soon. Even better was when he almost did it without me knowing, and then lied saying that he had in fact said that he had in fact told me. I nearly dumped him that evening, and I was incredibly angry. The next month he mentioned that he had thought about having me move with him when he got stationed after basic. We had so many more fights, but somehow we managed to stay together and work though every issue that came up. He left for basic training a week and a half before our first anniversary. I sobbed hysterically for three hours, and almost didn't make it home because I was trying so hard not to cry. I can't remember the last time I cried so hard.
Basic training was awful. I went on anti-anxiety medication, was hospitalized twice for panic attacks, had one other that I probably should have been hospitalized for, and was just an overall wreck. I struggled very hard with the fact that I felt utterly abandoned. Only seeing him for about ten hours after two months of barely any contact didn't make things any easier. I missed every phone call he made, and I cried every time. I even had to leave work one night while I was training a new-hire because I could not stop crying because of that. It hurt so bad.
Now that he's out of basic things are better, but I still struggle daily. I went from seeing him 4-5 days a week to seeing him for 2 weeks total in the past 7 1/2 months. We got engaged shortly after he got out of basic and into his school command which is in Pensacola, Florida. I live in Everett, Washington which is about 20min north of Seattle. We can't get much farther apart than we are right now while still being within the boundaries of the continental US.
This blog is for me. This bog is for the girls who fight the same fight that I do. This blog is for the girls who are stuck in the position of having to be something that fits nothing of who they are No one dreams of being a military wife, but some of us are more unwilling than others. If it hadn't been for the fact that I knew I found the right man before he went in there's no doubt in my mind that I would have been long gone. I've always known I wasn't the right girl for this task. I have anxiety problems, abandonment issues, and a slew of other things that make this so much harder for me to do. But I love Cameron. He is my best friend and my one true love. And so I suffer every day, watching my dream become more and more nightmarish as it goes along, because I found someone worth suffering for. But will I ever fit the mold? No. Will I ever want to sit at home with the children baking and cleaning away? Nope. And yet this is the mold I find myself being forced into little by little. But I promise you that I will shatter it into a million pieces before I become someone I'm not.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)