Orders Update

So like I said in my last post, Cameron was supposed to get his orders on Friday, Feb 7th.Well that turned into Valentine's Day, which then proceeded to turn into "Who knows when?". That's right. Cameron has no orders as of right now, and we have no idea when they will be coming in. I am so irritated. I spent a week worrying about this to not find anything out. So. Lame. But on a better note, I did get to enjoy a very nice Skype date with my sweetheart for Valentine's Day, and he got me some very sweet presents. I got a new gun for my airbrush, some new makeup, a travel guide to France, and my favorite: a wedding planning book. I thought that that was incredibly sweet. Otherwise, not much to report here. We both finally have our tax returns, and we just found out on Valentine's Day that Cameron's leave request got approved so I will be able to visit him on the 25th which is fabulous. The best part? I don't have to go home until the 6th of March so we will have lots and lots of time to spend together. I'm really excited, and very happy that this trip has worked out like I hoped. Well, that's all for now. Until next time!

Update: Finally Getting Orders

Oh. Em. Gee. So today has been a huge bombshell kind of day. Yesterday I worked 11 1/2 hours, so going back today to work another 8 was really hard. Coming home and finding out that your fiance will be getting his orders on Friday was not at all what I wanted to hear. After more than a month of waiting we will finally know where Cameron will be stationed for(most likely) the remainder of his enlistment period (i.e. the next 3 years and 4 ish months). I am f***ing terrified. I never wanted to be a military wife or a wife of any man who wore any kind of uniform for that matter for as long as I can remember. Literally, at like 5 or 6 I was like "Nope!" to that whole idea. The biggest reason? I didn't want to be left anymore, and I really didn't want to be left and be alone. I still don't like feeling like I've been left behind, like a forgotten item on a trip that's only come back for when it's missed. As a child I dealt with some pretty intense situations and abandonment so this is harder for me, because the emotions are the same and they take me back to that time. In the first 6 years of my life I dealt with three deaths which were all unexpected, and all were within two years of each other. I lost my Grandpa at two(which bothers me much more now since my other Grandpa has no interest in a relationship with me, and my grandpa who passed loved me to pieces), my Grandma at 4, and then my dog died when I was 6. My grandma Bernadette was the hardest loss to take. She watched me most mornings before my dad got off work, and she loved me alot. I can feel her patient love in all my faint memories of her. She made delicious oatmeal, let me play with her Estee Lauder makeup, and loved me to pieces. I always had so much fun at Grandma's house, and she had fun having me there. Unfortunately, I didn't learn until I was much older that my beloved Grandmother had a very bad drinking problem. In fact, I was only allowed down there when she wasn't drinking. It had gone on for years, and though she had it in control at the time, as far as I know, that and the years of smoking had taken their toll. And so, when I was about 4 and a half, my wonderful Grandma Bernadette passed away of a massive, unexpected heart attack. I was crushed. I remember my mom sitting me down and telling me that Grandma had gone to be with Jesus. I screamed "No she didn't!" at the top of my lungs, and ran to my room and cried for hours. I lost the one person who really made me feel loved no matter what. My family life crumbled after that, and pretty soon my parents were separated, and my mother was yelling at me on a pretty regular basis. I felt as though I had to be perfect to be shown any kind of love. It was a hard time on everyone, myself and my mom especially.
Now that all that's over, I still have a rough relationship with my mom, and truthfully Cameron has filled in alot of the voids that have been left behind from my volatile childhood. However, this has opened up many of the voids that were once closed, and that's been very difficult. Nothing is worse than being given what you want, and then having it made into something that causes you great pain. It's like some kind of sick joke. Right now, I just pray to God that I can get trough this, because right now I'm struggling so bad. I really just want to leave; to say "F**k this!" and leave rather than face the pain head on. What's worse is that I had planned to see Cameron at the end of this month for a little over a week, and now that plan may very well have to be scrapped depending on when he has to report to his next command. 9 much needed "us" days are now hanging in the balance, and I'm heartbroken. I needed that badly. We needed that badly. I had hoped that we could have that time to spend together focusing on our relationship, but now perhaps not so. Now it's all up in the air again, and I don't know what to do. All I know is that I very well may have just lost $340 and an invaluable opportunity to spend time with my fiance. 2 weeks. That's all we've spend together in the past 8 months since he joined. God, I really hope this changes soon...