The Deployment Chronicles

Hello!
So I have gone back to my normal life, and I am once again insanely, crazy busy! I was promoted at my job basically, and so now I'm set to be a full time employee, and then on top of that I'm also taking a six credit general chemistry class this quarter at school, and I have a husband who's on deployment. Oy. Vey. I swear my life just never stops haha.
Anyway, Cameron has been gone for about a month and a half now, and today we got to Skype for the very first time since he's bee gone! So that was awesome, but I find myself still feeling really sad and having alot of mixed emotions about the whole thing. Anyway, I should probably back track a little and explain where I've been at with him being gone emotionally. So far I've had a couple little episodes where it's been a little much to handle, but otherwise I'm doing pretty well especially considering that when he first went in I was pretty much unable to function and had a very hard time. I was in the hospital for panic attacks a couple times and had to be on medication for anxiety I was having such a rough time. So far there have been no panic attacks, and I'm not on any anxiety meds so that's awesome :)
Having to say goodbye today though was tough :/ I haven't been able to see my husband's face in a month and a half, and we just got married almost three months ago, and I got to see him for about an hour and a half today and that was about it. Great! But not nearly enough time to make up for a month and a half of only emailing back and forth(which Cameron has been so, so good about, and I am extremely thankful for. If we didn't have that I have no idea how I'd be able to do this). I think the hardest part about for me is seeing how sad he is when we have to say goodbye, and knowing that it hurts him just as much as it hurts me :/ He tries so hard to be strong and not let it show, but I can read him like a book so I see it all over his face and it absolutely kills me :/ It reminds me of how much I hurt, and then I have to watch him hurt too which is almost worse.
We both try so hard to be strong, and when you're just sending an email and can hide behind the screen it's easy to put on a brave face and not say what's really going on. The deployment guide they put out even says to keep things happy and light, and only talk about negatives if you can present a solution to them in the end to continue to keep things happy for everyone. It's good advice, and I understand to a point, but unfortuantely, that's just not real life. The truth is that there will be times where there will be struggle and challenge, and I think it's important to communicate that to your spouse. That is alot easier said than done at times though, and while I've been open about my struggles I realize now, after a real conversation, that I haven't been as open as I maybe should have been in the past.
So overall, having a chance to talk to my husband was a wonderfully bittersweet experience that I'm kind of glad I don't have to repeat any time soon. I love him dearly, but seeing him so sad isn't something I think I could handle seeing more frequently :/ It has stirred up so much sadness and pain for me, and it's been more difficult than I thought it would be. The truth of it all is that I still have a very difficult time accepting all the things that go along with this lifestyle, and I know in my heart that is cannot be a long term thing. I'm functioning, but I'm not doing much beyond that, and that's not living. But for now, I've made it though a month and a half, and I'm doing pretty good which is a big accomplishment for me :) Hopefully things continue to go well, but for now that's the update!