So I've been married for about 6 months now, and one of the topics that annoys me most is the topic of children. Now don't get me wrong I ADORE children, and I am so excited for the day where I get to be a parent with my sweetie, but why, oh why, must everyone assume that I'm pregnant every two seconds?!
My fine jewelry manager(who is pretty much my favorite manager in the whole store) was joking about how I was going to come back to work after my honeymoon pregnant(I may or may not have threatened to kick him in the teeth for that), and even before that any time I felt under the weather in any way I always had at least one coworker either ask, or sometimes just flat out make the statement, if I was pregnant. This happened on a pretty consistent basis especially if people knew that I had recently gone to see my husband who was my boyfriend/fiance at the time.
So where are we now? Well since my husband's been gone for six months(although we did hit the halfway point for the deployment on January 12th :D) people have stopped asking if I'm with child. Now my new question is, "So when are you going to have kids?" And my response of waiting until my husband is out of the service to start talking about that is either met with people totally understanding... or looking at me like I'm crazy.
First, I just want to say that to those who have chosen to have children whilst being married to, or dating, an active duty service member GOOD ON YOU! You have managed to do what I could not, and I applaud you. The truth is that I have absolutely no desire to bring a child into this world right now especially with my husband being deployed. The idea of being pregnant and alone just really doesn't appeal to me at all. But even if Cameron was home right now I still really wouldn't want to think about having children, and the reason is fairly simple: I can't raise a child alone. Now you're probably thinking about all the single moms you know, and all the other women that have done this and been okay, and you're right it's not impossible. However, just because it's not impossible doesn't mean that all of us can do it. Allow me to explain some of my rational.
1. I am absolutely horrific without sleep.
Seriously. I am the biggest baby after about two days of not getting enough sleep. I get super duper emotional, and any and all ability that I have to cope with anything goes right out the window. It's pretty common for me to either cry or have a complete breakdown from being so tired for the silliest of reasons. I need another human being around to help me so I don't go insane.
2. I would be really angry at my husband for not being there.
Now this sounds horrible, but let me explain. I grew up in a family where my brother and I always had at least one of our parents around at pretty much all times to take care of us. My dad is a baker and has always worked early in the day so he would be home by about 2pm every day, and that was even earlier when I was really little. My mom worked part time, but she would work while my brother and I were at school. I would be more angry at my husband for not being there to be a father to our child than I would be at him for leaving me alone with said child.
3. It's really hard to watch my husband be a father if he's not home.
This sounds silly, but in all honesty I want to watch my sweetie be a dad. We have little stuffed animal kiddos(we made BuildaBear's for each other before he went to basic, and them being our kiddos since we made them together became a joke that has just kind of stuck) and I love all the cute little things that we do with them. I get emails from Cameron's little puppy Douglas talking about how he misses Mommy, and he sends emails to Lexi, who's my little bunny, telling her that he misses her and loves her and can't wait to be at home with her. It's so freaking adorable that I just don't even know what to do with it sometimes. I want to see him interact with our actual kids in real life not just in email form, and he kind of can't do that without being here.
4. My love language is not compatible with a long distance relationship.
If you haven't heard of the Five Love Languages which is a book by Gary Chapman please go read it now. It is amazing and will affect so so many aspects of your life. The whole idea is that there are five way in which people communicate love, and things that others do that make people feel loved in turn. They are as follows: physical touch(not like sex, but hugs and kisses and holding hands and cuddling. That sort of thing), quality time, words of affirmation(hearing I love you, appreciation for the things they do, etc...), gifts, and acts of service. Cameron's main love language that he likes me to speak to make him feel loved is words of affirmation. He likes to hear that I love him, that I miss him, that I think he's a great husband, and things like that, and I am more than happy to say those things to him. I know it makes him feel loved and appreciated, and I really do love him and think he's a wonderful husband. Despite being married and sharing all our money I still thank him when he buys me a gift or takes me out to dinner, because I appreciate him doing those things for me. Words of affirmation is a pretty easy one to accomplish long distance. It might not be the same as hearing me say it to his face, but I know getting a sweet email or a rare phone call is a pretty good substitute for my sweetie and that's great. I'm glad I have ways that I can still speak my husband's love language even when he's not right there. Mine on the other hand is pretty damn near impossible. My love language is quality time. I love having my sweetie around, I really, really do. I love when he goes and runs errands with me or goes shopping with me(I really did score a great guy cause Cameron actually enjoys going clothes shopping with me. Plus he's like crazy patient. I'm a very lucky girl :D) or just spends time with me. He holds my hand, makes silly jokes, carries my purse if my shoulder starts to hurt(dead serious here. Most of the time he'll take it from me if just say my shoulder hurts. He shows me he loves me via acts of service :) too cute <3), and in general is just pretty happy to have me around even if we're not doing anything of great interest, and I'm more than happy to have him around, because when he spends time with me I feel loved and content.
Unfortunately, this is pretty much impossible to do long distance especially when he's deployed. Normally, when he's actually in the country, he'll call me every day even if it's just for a couple minutes to tell me he loves me and that he's thinking about me. If he could do that right now I'd be doing alot better, but he can't.
So what does this have to do with children? Well, right now we're at the halfway point of the deployment, and I'm really depressed. Like clinically depressed which isn't surprising since I was first diagnosed with clinical depression at the tender age of eight(I also suffer from PTSD and generalized anxiety disorder, but that's a discussion for another time). But right now not only is my main supporter and cheerleader gone, but he can't speak my love language and that hurts. Try as he might with kind words, daily emails, and phone calls as often as he can that just doesn't work for me. It helps, but that's not what makes me feel loved the most. I don't want to bring a child into the world knowing that if Daddy has to be gone for a couple months that I struggle to function after a certain point. I have a very definite limit when it comes to this, and the last thing I need to teach a child in this situation is unhelpful ways to cope with what is a difficult situation for anyone. The truth is that this is just not something that I will ever really do well with, and I don't need to have a child watch me struggle though this in the process.
Those are just some of the reasons why children are not on my priority list right now. Besides that I have a degree to finish, and now just doesn't seem to be the right time for us. So. If you happen to see me out in the real world, and I say I'm not feeling well please realize I'm just not feeling well, and not, in fact, expecting a little bundle of joy. I have lots of joy, but it's not coming in little bundles quite yet. For right now I'm quite happy to have my greatest joyful moment be the moment my husband comes home <3
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